130 Comments Already

1. melody says:

   March 30, 2012 at 8:48 pm

   Lola…I hope you are making sure to get help from a medical professional concerning your depression. You are worth that. Sometimes when there are so many other medical issues, the depression gets overlooked. When the despair gets deep enough, you really need help supporting your body to heal back to wholeness. Please know that you are not alone, sweet soul. Please know there are others here who are rooting for you and praying for you. You are so very loved here. xoxo
2. Michelle says:

   March 30, 2012 at 8:51 pm

   Thank you Melody, keep us posted, please! Thank you Karen Baker for all of your great info also! I saw a few good reads that you listed. Thank you sooo much! <3
3. Debra Masters says:

   March 30, 2012 at 9:53 pm

   I am battling depression. I have off and on all my life, but this time, I’ve slipped a little further…
4. Kara says:

   March 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

   I have been diagnosed with depression for several years, my aunt took her life last year, in honor of her I wrote a 2 week series on depress/suicide here is the link if anyone is interested http://www.muddqueen.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-comes-to-your-mind.html
   there is also a link to my depression blog. My heart and prayers go to all of you who suffer and who love someone who suffers!
5. A says:

   March 31, 2012 at 7:55 am

   (((((Melody))))) Hugs to you for over coming so much! I am a wife that deals with a husband who is Bi-Polar but slef medicates with alcohol and the only thing I can do is “love for the sake of loving.” Thank You for listening to that little birdie so that all these people can share that feel so alone. I sometimes feel alone. Knowing that there is at least one other person dealing with this has helped so much! All my love to all of you Brave Girls who are suffering or dealing with someone who is suffering. You truly are so very loved!
6. Tanya says:

   March 31, 2012 at 8:14 am

   Melody,
   It’s obvious by the number of posts so far, that depression is very much out there. It makes me sad to read some of these and to think there are people suffering out there, alone. All I can do is share that I am also rooting for you!
   I am also a sufferer. Right now, I’m good, very good. My experience started right after I got married. I quit my long time job (I had some kind of meltdown) and couldn’t find another job that suited me. But I couldn’t find one because I was a mess. I mean, who cries in their bosses office the second day on the job???
   I really don’t like to talk about my downfall into depression, because it was a dark, dark place. Fortunately, medication was the answer for me. After medication, I was able to even out again and get a job, that I would love and stay with for a long time. I was put back on medication after my second child was born, but for anxiety. Anxiety is still a real problem for me. Having my 3 kids definitely does not make it easier. But being mom has helped me in other ways to grow.
   My poor, new, husband was there for me during this whole experience. He always has been. He never gave up on me. He never treated my depression as something I could just snap out of. He took it seriously- he made the call to get me to the doctor.
   I know I walk a fine line of falling back into that place, which scares me. I feel like I have to work at this everyday.
   Hugs to all of you that have posted, thinking about posting, or are not ready to talk. <3
7. Tanna Martin says:

   March 31, 2012 at 10:01 am

   Melody, thank you so much for speaking your words; words of authenticity, Truth, and grace…. My story has felt SO long, SO arduous, SO alone as my husband has been a sufferer of depression. I wish that I had loved as unconditionally as you, I regret that I lost hope, that I felt alone and so lost being a “single” mom to our precious Lucky 7. God has been faithful even when I was not, or when I felt lost and John felt lost in the hopelessness that depression whispers. I thank God that He is merciful and has been even faithful as we lock arms and walk this journey out together; John and I. I want to love better, more unconditionally, with a servants heart. I want to glean from other spouses who have walked this journey in love alongside their spouse. Amazing to me that my 2 girlfriends mentioned this blog (as we are partners in the Soul Restoration!) > I hadn’t seen it yet! xoxo
8. karen baker says:

   March 31, 2012 at 11:29 am

   ‘UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN’ – IS DEPRESSION THE NEW LEPROSY?

   @Michelle and @Linda Goodwin – thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot as my energy levels have been very low this week and I was inclined just to read rather than to post, but the impact of other people’s stories made me want to share anything I could about this taboo subject. Since posting, I’ve looked through the notes I’ve been making on my personal quest and found a few more ideas that may be of help:

   - If your depression is linked with exhaustion and weight gain do check out http://www.chromiumconnection.com. There is mounting evidence that some people gain extremely quick relief from longstanding depression by taking the inexpensive mineral supplement chromium picolinate (including people who have tested negatively for an underactive thyroid). The more cynical among you will not be surprised by the fact that the drug companies are not at all keen on this finding being promoted.

   -@Anon (posted 29/3). I’m in a similar place to you – very scared of losing people after a series of bereavements and nursing my son through a life-threatening illness that could recur any time. When people say ‘lightning never strikes twice’ or ‘things can only get better’ I want to scream at them. I am trying to hold onto hope and can only send you {{{{hugs}}}}.

   - @No Joy and @ Amanda A (and everyone else who has posted that they can’t ever remember a time when they felt happy) – I felt so much for you reading your stories. I have had very happy times in my life, but I wasn’t a happy child or a happy teenager and it wasn’t until I experienced my first episode of major depression in my 30s that I realised I had been depressed whilst growing up. I’ve since found heaps of research that if you grow up in a home with depressed parents or siblings you may well subconsciously ‘learn’ depressed thinking styles. I can see this in my own life, as my father suffered numerous breakdowns, which we were taught were shameful and must be hidden at all costs. My parents were good in many ways and went to great lengths to ensure we wanted for nothing materially, but the atmosphere at home was always tense and unhappy. So if you are depressed for ‘no reason’, this might or might not provide you with some answers. Finding the right therapist is so important as some understand and can be immensely helpful, whilst some don’t. I think it also explains why loved ones can be on a relentless quest for the magic bullet that will make you better. If you’ve grown up in a ‘depressed’ home, depression feels awful, but it also feels oddly normal. I suppose the opposite must be true – if you’re not depressed and have never lived in a depressed environment, it must be utterly bewildering. @Zura – your comment made me cry “I suffer from depression and my husband says he feels like he’s standing in a huge field that’s on fire and he has only a glass of water to try and put it out.” I know this is how my lovely 16 year old daughter feels when I hit rock bottom and I hate, hate, hate that she has to go through it.

   So, as well as possibly having a genetic element, depression can be subtly contagious. Perhaps this explains why depression is treated like 21st century leprosy? Asking someone for help can feel risky as there is the possibility they may make sympathetic noises and then gradually withdraw or write you off, causing you to sink lower and lower. There are circumstances where you might as well put a bell round your neck and call out ‘unclean’, ‘unclean’.

   The World Health Organisation predicts that by 2020 depression will be the second largest cause of death across the world and there is plenty to suggest it’s linked to our frenetic and materialistic western lifestyle. Whilst debate rages about the reason why so little research is dedicated to the increase in depression, trying to find our way out of our personal dark and terrifying maze is the only real option, particularly for those of us who respond poorly or not at all to antidepressants.

   @Darlene Ballard – I love your comment that God’s favourite colour is transparency. I agree with you totally. Being smacked as a child for revealing to a neighbour that “Daddy was crying again today” only added to the fear and confusion and I have tried to be open and honest with my own children and loved ones.

   @Kara F – I too have found doing creative things really helpful, but I have to be able to reach a certain energy level after meeting my work and family commitments to get into these. The exhaustion is one of the worst and most debilitating aspects of depression for me and if anyone has any tips about overcoming this I would be so grateful. (But please not exercise; that’s great when I’m moderately okay, but Herculean when I’m really ill).

   Finally, I’m haunted by the fact that for every person who’s posted here there are probably ten who are too depressed to post and twenty who are too depressed to even switch on their computer and read Melody’s blog. Sending a special prayer to all of you wherever you are. x
9. Melissa Cadle says:

   March 31, 2012 at 12:03 pm

   I am 34 years old and don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I had severe depression before my long time with anorexia that would easily have taken my life if I had not got the quick help I did. And I had depression after anorexia. Refractory depression, my psychiatrist calls it. It is constant. It is hard. I have to hide it. I have to hide how it takes everything in me to get out of bed. And most days I don’t get dressed. I don’t know what the answer is. Only that your story is so many people’s story and it’s harder than hard. Thanks for your post!!!
10. Brenda says:

    March 31, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    I have struggled with depression most of my life, growing up in an alcoholic home, then staying with an absusive husband for many years. But God lead me to become a nurse and that carreer helped me to start a new life and find a wonderful new husband…unfortunately, depression won’t release it’s grip on me. After years in a very stressful supervision job, I nearly had a breakdown and left the hospital for a clinic job. I feel like a shell of my former self. My anxiety tolerance level is nearly non- existant. I barely have any energy to help at home, my husband has to do most of it. And I am already on medication! I don’t want this to be how my children remember me.
11. Lorraine says:

    April 1, 2012 at 4:09 am

    Thanks, Melody. Every time someone talks openly about depression or any other mental illness, I think it helps everyone–those with the illness, those who love someone with it, and even those whose life it hasn’t touched (yet). Erasing the stigma is so important; it’s bad enough to have the illness, but to be ostracized, ridiculed, and discriminated against because of it adds to our pain.
    I’ve tried to write this comment a couple of times, but I find myself going on and on. I’ll try to stay off my soap box and make this manageable.
    First, I want to offer a couple of web sites and organizations as resources. I’m not affiliated with any of them and can’t say one way or the other if they’d be helpful for any one person. It’s just good to know that these resources exist to help.
    – NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, “NAMI focuses on support, education, research and advocacy to help individuals and families affected by mental illness.” http://www.nami.org/
    – Bring Change 2 Mind, “Working together to erase the stigma and discrimination of mental illness.” http://www.bringchange2mind.org/
    – No Kidding, Me Too, “. . .a 501(c)(3) public charity, whose purpose is to remove the stigma attached to brain dis-ease (BD) through education and the breaking down of societal barriers. Our goal is to empower those with BD to admit their illness, seek treatment, and become even greater members of society.” http://nkm2.org/
    I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones I know about off the top of my head.
    My story goes back to 1970. At least that’s when my bipolar 2 first manifested itself. I was 24 with a husband and 2 little kids, and I tried to kill myself. I then started seeing a psychiatrist for meds and therapy. Upon his recommendation I had shock treatments and had my tubes tied. The doctor’s opinion was that raising two children was too much for me. He came right out and said I shouldn’t have been a mother. You can imagine what that did for my self-esteem and confidence.
    Fast forward to 1993. Despite medication and therapy, I had attempted suicide two more times since that first incident. I had been married to my third husband for two years, and all of a sudden I started discovering repressed memories of childhood incest at the hands of both my parents from the ages of 3 to 13. That was truly a nightmarish time. But it explained so many things about me: my rotten self-image, my emotions, and my actions. I think the incest got my brain chemistry all messed up as well as implanting all sorts of negative messages about myself.
    My last suicide attempt was in 1996. At least, I hope I never get that far into the darkness again. I think that pervading sense of hopelessness could be the worst thing that can happen to someone. At least, it’s the worst thing that’s happened to me, and I’ve given a baby up for adoption, been divorced three times, and had a mastectomy from breast cancer at age 28. None of those things made me want to die or made me feel that my life would always be bleak and painful like depression did.
    As I said, I’ve learned that when a person has clinical depression, bipolar disorder, or any mental illness, it’s a result of a chemical imbalance in their brain. When someone tells them they have nothing to be depressed about, that person isn’t knowledgeable about the disease. I believe that they’re thinking of the sadness we feel when something bad happens. My first husband would come home from work sometimes and find me hiding under the covers, having been in bed all day. He’d ask me what was wrong. I didn’t have any answer. It was like nothing was wrong and everything was wrong. My current husband understands, after being willing to learn about brain diseases, that if I do attempt suicide again (or even succeed) there’s nothing he could have done to prevent it. In other words, it wouldn’t be his fault. I marvel at his acceptance and ability to still love me in spite of my mood swings. In addition to the depression, I have manic swings that come out as rage. I’ve destroyed furniture and pulled curtain rods off the wall, among other destructive acts. I don’t know if I could live with me, given a choice. Those of you who love a depressed or bipolar person have my greatest admiration and support.
    My suicide attempts aren’t my fault, either, because I can’t help that I have this illness. It would, however, be my fault if I get suicidal because I’m not taking my meds or using the skills I’ve learned in 40 years of therapy (not with that original doctor, thank goodness).
    One of the best things I’ve learned is to remind myself that when I feel depressed it’s the disease making me feel that way. My life is no different from how it is when I’m content; it’s just the brain chemicals going wacky for a little while. If it gets really bad, I have a “Get Me Out of the Pits” box full of things that I put there when I was feeling good. There are a couple of my favorite funny movies, a note to show my husband asking for things from him that I can’t put into words when I’m in the pit, some music cd’s, and other things that help. Usually by the time I’m half-way though the first movie, the laughter has brought my brain chemicals back to where they should be.
    I know that I’ll have bipolar 2 for the rest of my life. I’m 65 now and I’ve had it for 62 years. I can’t picture it leaving me alone to let me totally enjoy my “golden years”. It’s just a part of my life and I’ve accepted that. I hate it, but I accept it. I never hesitate to talk about it to anyone who is interested. Being open about it may help someone else, and it helps get rid of the shame and stigma which should never have been there in the first place.
    Big hugs and thanks to Melody and everyone who has opened up and shared their story here. Yayy for all brave girls!!!
12. Delight says:

    April 2, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Dear Melody,
    I wasn’t sure I would post or not but then I thought if I were a Brave Girl I would. I come from the era we don’t talk about depression so I really don’t talk about it. My husband has no inkling of what goes on in my mind. I have suffered from depression many numerous times and come out for awhile, then something happens. Right now I am trying to recover from a accident last October being a pedestian when a unoccupied truck rolled down the hill and hit me. I have multiple fractures in my leg and wounds. I sometimes wonder why I didn’t die or I should of died because things would be so much better for everyone around me. I still am unable to walk, work, drive, just about any normal thing that everyone does I cannot. I have to depend on others and to recieve is the most hardest thing to do. Day 1, I was much better than I am now. They have doubled my meds and I am still depressed. I do see a therapist but I cannot see that I should be happy just being on this planet. I am trying to live in the momment but it is so hard as all of you know. I have a friend that forwarded this Brave Girl to me and I save all my daily letters. Sometimes I am a Brave Girl and most times I am not. But I will continue to get help and keep reading my Brave Girls. Thanks so much for being there everyday.
13. Cherie says:

    April 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Thanks for your post on depression. I hated being on medication. I thought it meant I was broken, and I didn’t want to be broken. My doctor finally convinced me that my resistance was like a diabetic thinking that she could just not take insulin. I was missing chemicals that my body wasn’t producing and I needed help. I also needed emotional help. There were things going on in my marriage that I didn’t understand (my husband was a sex addict and I didn’t know it). I’ve read that depression is a clue that we need to change something in our life. Maybe we just need to get on medication, or maybe we need to look at what is wrong in our relationships. 18 years later I am getting more well all the time. Medication and 12 step programs are helping me find peace and strength. Thank you for your class and blog, I am learning more about myself every day.
14. Rachel says:

    April 3, 2012 at 9:45 am

    “that it won’t be judged as a character weakness or punishment from God or all of the other mean judgments that can easily be made about depression.”

    ^^that! let’s be honest, we should really replace “depression” with “mental illness” since all mental illness is anathema in our culture. i was diagnosed with bipolar type II 4 years ago after suffering depression off and on for most of my life. the last four years have, for the most part, been about surviving moment by moment trying not to kill myself. i can’t even begin to describe how exhausting and brutal that is.

    thankfully, the past 6 months or so have been a big improvement. finally, i have accepted that i HAVE to be in therapy to learn how to cope with this illness. and guess what, it’s working!

    but, the worst part is the stigma. i am single and i have felt totally abandoned by my friends. i almost lost a job because of bigotry. and i have to listen to ignorant people everyday that don’t realize i have a mental illness make asinine comments about how mental illness is just as excuse, etc.

    let’s start a revolution and love one another. really listen to one another. reach out to one another. don’t let people just drop out of your life! pursue them! don’t offer advice, just offer love and support. every time you are tempted to say something to make it better, say “i love you and what can i do to help?” instead.

    my blog deals with my mental illness and being a christian, if anyone wants to check it out.
15. Rachel says:

    April 3, 2012 at 9:53 am

    @Delight: please hang in there! please! it is a dangerous sign to think that it would be better if you weren’t around. please be sure your doctor and therapist know you are feeling this way!

    and: IT. IS. A. LIE! there are more people than you know that love you and would miss you every day if you were gone. DEPRESSION IS A LIAR! you are valuable.

    i know that feeling of “why would i want to live in this world where so many bad things happen, nothing good happens to me” etc. please hang in there. you have to relearn how to think, and you need help to do that. that’s what i’m working on with my counselor, and it is helping!

    hang in there.
16. Rachel says:

    April 3, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Loraine: you are my hero! you go, brave girl!
17. Holly Rose says:

    April 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Feeling confused and angry at life I climbed the mountain. I took big strides and deep breaths trying to let all of my frustrations out. I was angry and mad that God cursed my husband with depression. I was angry and mad that I was codependent and always having to make it better. I was angry at myself for my enabling actions that imprisoned my husband to depression. I told myself to be strong. I told myself, “Have courage. Have courage to change.”

    If I wanted my life to be different then I needed to do something different. Change doesn’t come from doing the same thing. So why was I repeating my actions again and again? Why was always trying to make it better? Why was I passively waiting for someone else to make it all better?

    As I marched up the mountain I recalled what I wrote a few years ago in my book, “Live and Give: Facebooking My Way Through Breast Cancer,” I wrote, “We all have mountains in our life. I believe they are all meant for climbing. Maybe we all need the mountains and their eruptions, to fully appreciate our lives and the people in them. The mountains added meaning to my life and I believe it added meaning to others as well.” Angrily, I thought, “What a bunch of crap! I don’t want to keep climbing these mountains. I’m ready for life to be easy again. Damn it!”

    And then I stopped myself, and I looked around and took in the beautiful landscape right before me, including those damn mountains. I love the mountains. I realized then I needed to make a change. No one else could move the mountains for me. And God was going to keep the mountains coming. It was up to me. If I wanted change in my life, I needed to change. I could choose to climb another mountain, take a different path, go at different speeds or simply stop and take a breath and change my outlook.

    My stride quickened as I filled myself with positive thoughts. I will make myself happy in my life. I will choose to be happy. I will choose to do those things that make me happy. Those around me can choose to be happy with me, but it’s not up to me to make everyone else happy. They all have their own road to climb.

    I reached the top feeling almost a bit arrogant. I paused to look at the city in its entirety. I scanned across the valley and came upon a huge dust devil off in the distance. I thought, “Who would go towards the tornado? Why would you go towards something dangerous and destructive? Not me. I’m heading the other way.” Boastfully, I turned the other direction, thinking, “See! I can choose another path.” And then what did I see, but another tornado off in the distance.

    I had to laugh out loud at God’s sense of humor. I wasn’t asking for God to answer my question, but he thought I needed a little bit of advice anyway. “The grass is not always greener on the other side.” It brought a happy tear to my eye. God gently shook me waking me up.” Sometimes the terrain will get rugged on the mountains and every once in while you might even encounter a little dust devil bringing in a little flurry to the path, but the journey there will always be remembered as one of beauty and accomplishment and in the end treasured.

    I sat down at the top of that mountain, legs crossed, arms out, and my eyes closed and inhaled life. The breeze flew over me, taking with it my negativity. I felt alive and I felt happy. I realized I could only be responsible for making myself happy. It was not my job to make others happy. Not that I don’t’ enjoy adding joy to someone’s life. I’m just not in charge of anyone’s world. I will choose to be responsible for myself. And I will choose NOT to be responsible for those who can take on their own responsibility. Because, if I take it on, I’m stealing their chance to catch the beauty of life in all of the mountains surrounding them. And really, I want them to share in the beauty of it all with me. And yes I will keep climbing the mountain every day. Why? Because I love to and it makes me happy, dust devils and all!
18. Jess says:

    April 4, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I struggle with depression and anxiety too. Since I’ve gotten married, three years ago, I’ve come to feel badly about being on medicine that helps me maintain a healthy equilibrium. My husband says it’s good to feel emotions, but when the emotions do feel good, then is it really good? He’ll sit up with me through a rough night, but because we’re trying for children and the expense is considerable, I’ve gone off my helpful medicine. And, I’ve adopted a mindset that I am weak to want to go back on them. That I should be able to power through this. I’ve got the love of my husband and family, right? And yet the struggle nearly swallows me.

    We are trying for children, which complicates the matter, and since we’ve been trying for more than two years, with some fertility treatment, but mostly without, I’ve got yet another area of disappointment and my own perceptions of personal failure.

    We relocated away from the best therapist a girl could ever have. For me, it really did help to have an unbiased third-party as a sounding board. I know my husband loves me, but sometimes it’s that person who’s not in the thick of it with you, who can prompt you to the most, best insight into your self. It was like a mirror who listened, but talked back in the most helpful of ways.

    Anyway….this isn’t a prize composition, as I seem to ramble without purpose, but here thye are…my recommended take aways:
    1) Admit your struggle, which is huge for me, as I judge myself for feeling bad when life is truly good, so I isolate myself for fear my sadness will show, which then deepens my sadness;
    2) Get help. Get help that won’t weaken your marriage or other important relationships. Get help from someone who loves you and wants the best for you. Trust your loved ones to see you through the other side. Trust that there are loved ones, people you might not even be aware of, who really want to see you through to the other side.
19. Fallon says:

    April 4, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I must have needed to read this today, because I don’t often scroll down on my “Little Bird Told Me” emails, and today.. I did… and there was the link to this. I was diagnosed with depression that at first I thought was “just” severe PMS (it got worse at that time of the month), I’m getting better, but still have much progress to make. With my progress, I am able to see that my husband is suffering as well. He doesn’t even acknowledge that there is anything wrong in his life. It’s been getting steadily worse the past years since he retired from the military (he loved being in the military) – he never found a fulfilling job, so he settled… but I know he is not happy there. However.. my husband is of the “just snap out of it” crowd, and refuses, absolutely refuses to talk about it. He was aghast when our daughter went to therapy several years ago for her eating disorder. He still won’t talk about it, and we have no idea what he thinks helped her through that time in her life (she’s got a handle on it, and is doing very well now, in fact, incredibly successful with her life). I don’t know how to help him, but I might print out this blog page and leave it where he can find it. He knows I am taking the Soul Restoration class, even though he doesn’t understand it.
    It’s nice to know that I’ve been going down the “right” path, loving him as he is, no matter what.
20. Lynn says:

    April 4, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    I don’t know how to post on the thread as it states that I don’t have permission. So I will just respond to your post here. I am one of those who has suffered with depression and anxiety for more than half my life. I am 44 years old and my first episode was when I was barely 17 years old. My story is long so I will just give the highlights…My depressive episodes are always preceded by major debilitating anxiety/panic attacks. I had my first when I was planning to go on my senior trip after high school graduation. My parents had generously surprised me with a 6 week tour of Europe. About 3 weeks before the trip I began having severe anxiety, but I didn’t know that that was what it was, I just thought I was going completely crazy. I was beyond afraid to talk about it to anyone, I didn’t and still don’t trust easily. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate and was so hyper aware of everything and everyone around me that I couldn’t really function. I trudged my way through it and went on the trip but I was still suffering greatly and not knowing anyone I was with was terrifying. I called my dad from Paris begging him to let me come home…he didn’t understand what I was experiencing and he made me stay. Thanks to the generosity and saving grace a the sweetest Nun on earth, I somehow was able to eat a grilled ham and cheese (the first thing I had eaten in 4 weeks, that I didn’t immediately throw up). That Nun (I so wish I could remember her name) saved my life…I believe with every fiber of my being that people are placed in our path for a purpose and I know she was placed in mine. Something shifted in me as I was able to start eating again, I began to sleep better and even though I was majorly depressed, the anxiety was temporarily relieved to the point that I could get through the rest of the trip. When I arrived home, there was no talk of what I had experienced, I swallowed the fear and the shame and didn’t ever speak of my emotional pain. Fast forward to my marriage and first pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant when I had about 2 semesters left of collage to get my Bachelors degree…it wasn’t a planned pregnancy but the child (a daughter) was very much loved and wanted. However, after her birth, I became anxious once again and couldn’t figure out why I was so miserable when this should be the happiest time of my life…again, there was no one to talk to, I couldn’t speak of the pain or “pit” feeling as I called it back then. No one understood…until, my husband was about to have a nervous breakdown from all the stress of his educational program that he was completing at the time. His father came to him and suggested counseling, and so he sought out a PHd and began talking to him…as a part of the service the PHd wanted to meet the “wife” to get a better idea of what was happening for my husband…long story short, I finally had a name for what I was experiencing, chronic clinical depression most recent episode Post Partum. Being the student of life that I am, I found every book, article, tv show, anything I could get my hands on to educate myself and those family members who were receptive about the symptoms and pathology of depression and anxiety. Fast forward to my 2nd pregnancy…multiply the most anxiety you have ever felt by 1000, and that is what I was experiencing after my son’s birth. To this day, I have little memory of his infancy. This episode was excruciatingly painful…I had never experienced pain like it in my entire life experience…This was the first time I learned that depression/anxiety a mental disorder, could physically hurt. This began a desperate search for the perfect “pill” that would relieve my emotional and physical pain…this was a journey unto itself…you might think that a pill is a pill and should work for everyone…you would be wrong, everyone is different and each medication affects everyone differently. My search has lasted over 20 years…still taking medication, while it helps and I most likely would not be able to function without it, it is not a perfect fix…there are all kinds of side effects but I decided long ago that I would need to be around to raise the kids that I had brought into the world so I would do whatever it takes to not only be here but be the best I could be…My journey brought me one more daughter, after much planning with a psychiatrist and family members who were willing to help. Her birth was by far the best, I actually got to experience the joy of childbirth because I went on meds immediately after she was born (literally right when the cord was cut). I chose not to nurse her so that she would not be exposed to medication. It was successful to the point that I did not sink into a debilitating depression or anxiety out of control, I did have minimal baby blues but nothing compared to previous experiences. After this “success” I got many phone calls over the years from friends of friends asking me about my experience and asking for advice. I finally decided to enroll in a Masters of Social Work program and received my MSW in 2009. I have been a psychotherapist since then mainly working with children and adults who suffer the effects of trauma and ptsd. My education has not only helped me, but it continues to help others through me…I would be remiss not to thank God and my dear husband for being the most supportive and compassionate people in my life…we have been on this journey together and learned so much about each other and ourselves through the process…We just had our 23rd wedding anniversary and still going strong. It is a bit of a roller coaster ride at times but I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world…while at times they have been the most difficult to experience, they have absolutely shaped me and made me into who I am…A compassionate, understanding, empathetic woman, mother, sister, wife and daughter.
    Lastly, Thank you so much for sharing your story…I have found through personal experience that speaking out is the most empowering thing we can do for those who struggle in silence and fear. I don’t know you, but I love you and your husband!
21. Ashley says:

    April 6, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Wow, I remember this story. You have come SO far, Melody. SO far. God is SO good.

    I was somehow drawn to today’s email, and now I know why. I feel like I’m where you are now, since reading this so long ago.

    Depression is NOT something taboo, to hide, or to think that you don’t matter. You feel like you could just crawl under a rock and no one would care. Believe me, sisters, it is so far from the truth. Just when you think no one cares, someone can pop up to reach out a hand and pull you in for a big old hug. It’s so uplifting to see three pages of people that have either been through it, or are reaching out right now to those of us who have. There is a light. I did it. You can, too.

    I thought it was just something I could fight on my own, and no one would have to know. I thought if I just did it, I’d fix myself. Honestly, it took a few amazing family members to help me, a wonderful doctor, and a counselor to get me to where I am today. Okay, I cannot count out Him. Without Him, I’d be nowhere. It took work on my part, but I crawled out.
22. Stacey Ballard says:

    April 8, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Thank you once again for telling your story and being open enough to share so you can help others. I have suffered from depression and anxiety attacks for many years, it started after I had a major surgery and started thinking about life and death. It took ending up on a friends floor unable to get up, I thought I was going crazy too. I am also on medication, because I finally understood it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t control the chemistry in my brain by will power. I have since had 16 abdominal surgeries and a liver transplant. I have many alcoholics in my family, for many generations, that were probably just trying to self medicate. I don’t/didn’t drink but I was the one who got the liver disease, but I know that wasn’t my fault either. Whether you suffer from mental illness or addiction IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! It’s a disease, a horrible one, no one would ask to have a mental illness or addiction anymore than someone would ask for cancer.

    I have done a lot of work in healing myself, but I know it’s a journey that doesn’t have a destination. I just started going to AL-ANON meetings and they have been SO helpful, because I have also realized that growing up around addicts have given me some BAD coping skills that I need to work on. I am a “yes” girl, a perfectionist, and I thought I needed to be in control of everything/everyone all the time. Through everything I have learned I can’t control anything and I need to trust in GOD (what ever name you want to call her/him) that GOD will take care of me. I have also had trouble asking and accepting help, but I am getting better at that too, because I realize I can’t do it all alone.

    Please reach out and get help, we all love you and know that I am sending out my love, we need you in this world to help others who are suffering.

    Don’t die with your music still in you. -Dr. Wayne Dyer
23. Angel G says:

    April 10, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Hi Melody, I tried to read this blog post before, but it was on the day that the site was down. I was just reading my little birdie truth for the day and remembered there was a post I wanted to read……its just amazing that it it exactly what I needed to see. I am married to a man for 35 years, who has suffered with anxiety and depression. For one year now, it has been at its highest level. We have been to the doctors and have switched his medications 4 times this year. Its very hard seeing him depressed day after day, but I have to tell you I go on with life. I know there is nothing I can do to make him”snap out of it” I love him and take care of him,and pray I can find him a good therapist to talk to.I think, that as family members of a depressed person, we need to carve out a piece of life that is our own. Depression hurts everyone in the family . I never saw it as something to be ashamed of. I have always spoken about my husbands depression. I know its an illness that you can’t help. Medications help some people. My husband got better for one month. In December, my children said “Dad is back”. He enjoyed Christmas…we had a huge family Christmas celebration….he totally engaged with everyone and then toward the end of February his depression came back with a vengence.For the past two months now he juts sits on the couch, hardly talks and just exists. Its hard to see him like this. He wants to talk to a professional, but its really hard finding the right therapist. we have been to a few but he feels they were not for him. I support him, encourage him, love him.I pray for him every day. I know like I know my name God will lead us through this depression. There is so much life to enjoy. I know we are not alone on our journey. Peace to all. Thanks for a place to share. Angel
24. Cindy says:

    April 11, 2012 at 2:35 am

    I’ve had this post open in my browser window, waiting for the right time to respond to it. I can’t sleep tonight, so I guess the timing is right.

    Like so many of you, I have my own depression story. I have dealt with chronic depression since I was about 13 years old; I’m 48 now. When I was 30, I was first diagnosed with chronic clinical depression, and later bipolar disorder, type 2. After I started hearing voices in electric appliances like the dishwasher and the oscillating fan my husband and I had running in the bedroom most nights, that diagnosis was changed to type 1. Even with occasional bouts of severe mania and psychotic features, depression is my primary symptom. Add to all of that that I’m a rapid cycler and subject to Mixed States, life can be a challenge!

    When I hear other people with bipolar disorder talk about their manic episodes, I almost envy them. Not because mania is enjoyable, or because it’s not as dangerous as depression — neither of those ideas are true — but because I don’t feel the same debilitating heaviness that I feel with severe depression. I’m not stating this very well, as I know that everyone’s experience, while being so similar, are also wildly individual. Just a few days ago, I laid in bed for about 19 hours, feeling a heaviness that almost wouldn’t allow me to roll over or rearrange when my back started to hurt or even get out of bed when I needed to go to the bathroom. And not only was there the heaviness, there was a darkness, too. My thoughts were so slow that I couldn’t follow them to see if there was any helplessness or hopelessness in them. Just trying to follow my thoughts felt like slogging through molasses, they moved so slowly. The one awareness at I had was that I’m convinced that I will some day die of my own hand. I wasn’t suicidal in the moment — I lacked the emotional and physical energy to make a plan, much less to carry it out — but I think I am suicidal in a larger, broader sense. Even when things are going well and I’m happy and content with my life, I have that same knowing that one day I will kill myself.

    My mother’s attitiude toward my depression/bipolar disorder was to ignore it. I don’t think she ever asked about my prognosis or my treatment, or even how I was doing on any given day. I remember her telling me as a teenager to just snap out of it, to just change my attitude, or to stop being so dramatic. I grew up thinking that my mental states were a character flaw. It took me a long time to realize that they were the result of brain chemistry gone haywire. Sure, I knew it intellectually — my first counselor and psychiatrist both made sure I understood that — but it’s taken years, literally, for it to sink in emotionally. This is an illness I have but IT IS NOT WHO I AM! I confess, some days I forget that …

    I’m on meds, and I’m resigned to the fact that I will be for the rest of my life. My life becomes unbearable, quickly, if I go off of them. Just the memory of a three day stay in the psych ward is enough to keep me taking my meds!

    I am blessed with people who love me and support me. My husband is usually a trooper when my moods get wonky. He’s always been there to take care of me when I needed his help. And my two closest friends both treat my illness very matter-of-factly. They don’t ignore it, dwell on it, or tip toe around it. That helps me keep a sense of normalcy about the whole thing.

    Thanks so much to everyone who has either shared their story or offered support for those who did. I have been comforted by the amount of love and caring that has been expressed on this thread, and I suspect others have too.
25. Deborah says:

    April 11, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    Melody,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have dealt with depression off and on for during my marriage to an alcoholic as well as an abuser (20 Years), and still do to this day (10 years later.) My children are grown and have had severe bouts of depression as well, and still battle it as well. We all have our good days and our bad. I have learned that it isn’t going to just go away, so I just learn to take it one day at a time. I am considering taking medication again. My job situation working graveyard and being stressed as well, just doesn’t help the situation. I am hoping that the medication will also help me with my lack of sleep, will hopefully help me the peace of mind that don’t have often enough.

    Thank you so much for sharing your life with us! God Bless You and Yours!
26. me says:

    April 12, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Truly, Truly a brave post. My heart goes out to both of you. (((big cyber hug)))
    No we dare not speak of it. Having clawed my way out of the abyss which cost me my dream career many many years ago I can relate. Keep trying, keep seeking until you find the help that works for you/him. For me it took a very long time and many different treatments till something finally gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I could escape the hell that I was in. For all it’s bad rep. God Bless Prozac, and a very patient psychiatrist – I owe my life to them. I also owe some very bad doctors a punch in the face…

    That was all over 20 years ago… I’ve been drug and doctor free since then. So there is hope!

    It’s funny though, once you’ve been there, there is absolutely nothing like the fear of ending up back there. Holy Crud, it’s paralyzing a what-if that plays out in my mind. So I developed ‘crazy’ coping skills. People will say what they will say about these. But it’s not as bad as it sounds, and peace of mind and freedom from fear is worth far more than anything I may be missing. I don’t commit to things, I don’t take the lead, I don’t step in many times when I know I should, I don’t get involved, I don’t think about being happy, I tolerate a lot, I don’t quit smoking, I try to smile all the time (whether I feel like it or not because it is true, the world smiles back and that lifts me up), and most of all, I don’t talk about this stuff ever.

    I choose very carefully, what I think I can handle, because these years have shown me that fate will deal me blows that will test my strength beyond imagination, and I need to have something in reserve. I just spent the last six months looking into the abyss after the loss of my husband. For me, there is no snapping out of it, it’s more of wearing it out, putting it away and trying to never going there again.

    I think redefining happiness has been the most beneficial for me. Happiness for me is peace. It’s some neutral ground between laughter and weeping. That is my goal, to be there. The gratefulness of simply being there, sitting in the sun, petting the dog and watching my shadow on the wall. That is actually my definition of happiness. Simply being.

    Several times people have told me I could do and be so much more. Nope, been there done that, and the price was very very steep. I do what I must. I will never be the life of the party, but I hope I’ll be there when you need me.

    Other than my family, I have left any friends behind from that dark time so many years ago. Yes, I miss them, but what do you say? I was so changed by all this that well, whatever. My family was always terrific, it was horrible for them to watch and not be able to help. I pushed away, I refused phone calls, I was/am still so embarrassed by what I put them through/went through. It’s like the elephant in the room sometimes still. We’ve just learned to accept the elephant, it’s much better than not sharing our lives. God bless my mother, she’s a rock – sort of an odd rock but aren’t we all.

    I think what I miss the most, is the luxury of being indignant, and showing anger. That sounds funny, but I learned something which is truly unfortunate, and which is perhaps why we don’t talk about this. Once you declare you have been depressed, or treated for any psychiatric disorder, every single thing you do goes under a microscope. Getting angry is not allowed, you will be sent back for further treatment. Even if your anger is justified (like someone hit your car in the parking lot), you no longer have the right to express normal emotions because, you have this history….

    If there was one thing, people should understand about depression and recovering from depression. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that we care too deeply.

    ’nuff said. I should hit the delete button now… consider this an act of courage and a gift from me to you…
    me
27. Ray says:

    April 12, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    I am going to say something that has been on my mind since reading this blog. I should have said it then but hesitated.

    Almost two years ago my cousin’s wife committed suicide. The devastation that has beset the family is still on going. She did not have a long history of depression but there had been some. She underwent surgery and even though the doctors told her it was not cancer she did not believe it. She had watched a sister die a long and painful death from cancer only a few years before.

    I beg of any of you that ever have thoughts of death to get help, and get help and get help. Keep trying until you find something or a doctor that can help. This woman’s family still suffer daily and will for every day of their lives. A husband of many years, children and grandchildren still mourn. This is not a legacy that anyone should leave to others. God bless and keep you.
28. Aubs says:

    April 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

    I am truly touched by all that has been written. I know that there are so many of us who struggle with this disease, but like so many have said before, we keep it silent. We don’t want to seem weak, or vulnerable. We want to look like we have it all together and can keep it all together.
    I myself really noticed that this disease was starting to effect me after the birth of my 2nd child. I’m sure a lot of it had to do with post pardum, and I also believe that the factor of many other things happening all at the same time played a fact in that as well. My husband had really hurt his back and was working part time at his job, my sister in law had moved in with us in our tiny apartment, and everything just crowded in all around me at once. This disease is one that runs in my family line, and I’ve always been so “Scared” of it. I think I was in denial for a long time, not wanting to admit to anyone, especially myself of what was going on. It’s been close to 2 years now, and I’ve definitely noticed that its not as bad as it used to be. It took me a very, very long time to open up to my husband about it, and let him in. I was worried because he grew up in a family who had the mentality of to “Just suck it up and get over it.” I don’t blame them one bit, everyone deals with things differently and they had just never had to deal with this and didn’t understand. For the first while, it was hard on him I could tell, but through time, he still doesn’t understand, but he listens. He lets me talk, lets me cry, and just holds me and tells me he loves me. It doesn’t fix anything, but it helps to know that I have his comforting support.
    My strong faith in my Heavenly Father, and his constant love has really helped to give me comfort as well. Sometimes I have felt he is the only one who really understands what it is I’m going through.
    My ramblings here could go on, but the main point in writing this is I wanted to say Thank you. Though its true so many of us here suffer with this, it is brought on by so many millions of different things, it hits us all in so many different ways, and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. As bad as it hurts at times, and i would never, ever wish this on anyone, it truly helps to hear others stories of what they have been and are going through. It helps to know that I am not alone, and that this is something we can overcome. I love the comment that was posted “We are not the disease, the true us is still in there inside.” How very true that statement is!
    My biggest advice to anyone is to not keep it inside. You are not alone!
    My heart and prayers go with all of you, and thank you all again for sharing your stories.
29. TJ says:

    April 16, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Thank-you for sharing this. Almost 8 years ago I sustained a back injury that forever changed my life. I am still unable to work but now see things more positively – I still have bad days but they are less often. My injury led to a chronic pain condition that was uncontrolled for almost 5 years. I suffer from severe chronic depression and a few times seriously considered taking my own life. Although I am single if not for the help, love and support of my family I never would have made it through those times. Although no one can truly understand what a person faces in their own journey through depression the best thing a friend can do is be there and love you. With time, help and medication I have gotten better, but the journey is difficult. Thank you for sharing your journey.
30. Cathy says:

    April 25, 2012 at 12:05 am

    I came across this on a night when I really needed to. See you were right, except I found it a bit later….so thankful that I did. I too understand depression all too well. Because migraines and depression go hand in hand I must pull myself out of it’s strong grasp several times monthly. The one thing I try to remind myself of over and over again “My God is stronger than that which is trying to drown me !” Yet it’s a lonely place when you cannot work or drive because of the migraines and medications to prevent them. People tend to disappear after awhile when you no longer have so much in common or cancel plans because of a migraine. Just the way it is. They can’t understand unless they’ve been through it. As you said, it’s a forbidden topic, I remember trying to talk about it with my sister whom I’m very very close to. She was horribly uncomfortable with it and kept trying to analyze me. When really all I needed was for her to say “I’m sorry you feel so alone and dealing with all this. I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here to listen.” Yes I am the strong/brave one and always the positive one ! I always smile. No one wants to see or hear the negative stuff. Every so often a time will that I shut down so to speak. It’s usually after too many times of feeling as though I’ve been beat up by my brain and I can’t take it anymore or outside forces (the world can be so insensitive) ….. so I crawl inside my turtle shell for a few days (my humor), or a nicer visual is curled up in God’s lap for some peace and healing. The last time I watched Eat, Pray, Love over and over again ! I get her ! That would be awesome ! Now that I’ve had a Hysterectomy my post depression is getting shorter and I’m hoping it continues this way. I read something the other day that instantly jumped off the screen at me like it was written for ME ! “HOPE LIVES HERE”. We can live without a lot of things, yet hope isn’t one of them. Remind yourself daily. Place your HANDS over your HEART and say ALOUD “Hope Lives Here”. I have it next to my computer so I’ll remember, doing it that way makes it feel more meaningful. Thank you to All the BraveGirls who took that step to write here, it’s helpful to know I’m not the only one too. Another thought….I had one fairly long yucky period, knowing I had to get myself out it, decided to buy a bunch of fun,crazy and colorful socks. So every time I looked down at my feet I saw something “Happy !” Guess what ? It worked too = )