Hi there!!! Whoa. Whew. How do you write the sound out that the sofa makes when you fall into it with your laptop? Kawoooosh. Ok….that was me. Here I am. Assessing the situation….I have been over-doing it. (sound familiar?) I have been sitting here having a serious conversation with myself. I thought I knew better than this by now. I want to tell you some realizations I’ve had over the last few days…..I need to re-adjust some things…
On paper, on a calendar….I knew September was going to be a crazy bear of a month, I’ve known this month was coming all year, with all of the things that I decided to cram into it, thinking I could surely pull it off. Along with all of the things that my sweet hubby had scheduled too, I knew it was going to be a tough one. I knew it was going to be exciting, and a total adventure. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. It has been..all of it….tough, exciting, an adventure. What day is it? We are ¾ through the month, right? I want to talk a little bit about the addiction that can form to being busy. Are you addicted to being busy? I’m looking in the mirror and seeing this, I’m looking all around me at friends and seeing this…..but I have a few friends who are free of this craziness, and I long for this contentment that they have with living a calm life……I want to do better.
I hope I don’t get redundant as I talk over and over again about all of the complexities of “starting over” in so many areas of life. But…ya know, it is what it is. It is where I am….and it is what’s on my mind. It is what I know right now. It is where LOTS of us are, in one way or another. It’s a crazy, uncertain time in life and our country in the world. It’s an exciting in a weird sorta way time. It’s a time of possibilities and trying new things because the old things weren’t working. I see it all over the place. It’s amazing! The opportunities are endless. It’s exhausting….don’t ya think?
We are starting over financially, we are starting whole new careers. We are starting our marriage over. All of this after being married for 20 years. All of this before I even turn 40 next year. I feel like we have lived 20 lifetimes.I bet you feel like that sometimes too. I feel profoundly grateful for what feels like a million years of history with my husband. The kind of history that would be nearly impossible to ever have with anyone else. The kind of history that you have with someone that makes you want to try harder, smile bigger, be more thankful, love all the little moments, and just be happy with what IS and not worry so much about what is to come.
I had the most amazing week last week in Minneapolis at a women’s conference for creative entrepreneurs, called The Creative Connection. I met incredible women who I will never forget. I met incredible women that I already knew and knew about, and got to know them better. I was reminded once again about all of the power that each of us have just in our teenie tiny little finger to go and out and build and create ANYTHING we could ever want to create.
I listened to the stories. They were incredible! I remembered my own stories….they are incredible too. We all have so many amazing stories, don’t we? I think I realized that I know something new now….wisdom I have earned over the last 10 or 20 years that I just really didn’t have before…..is that REALLY REALLY REALLY, we can go out and build and do ANYTHING. We can. But what I didn’t know before is that everything costs SOMETHING, and that is not a bad thing….but it’s just something that we really have to go into our life knowing. We have to know that being a mother is a tremendous sacrifice that brings tremendous joys but that you must be willing to give up SO MUCH to be able to give your children the time they deserve and need… and having a business is a huge sacrifice that could bring huge joys and that giving your art to the world is a giant sacrifice that has the potential to yield tremendous joys…….that NONE of it is without cost. Sometimes those things cost each other…the very things we love take time away from each other. THAT is what makes it a sacrifice, and THAT is what brings the joy later, or if we sacrifice the wrong things, it can bring us the greatest pain later!
Well, where am I going with any of this? I guess I have had this sort of life-changing realization this week about the cost of everything. I have realized that I only have what’s in my pocket right now, and no more….and I gotta decide where it will be spent….I’m talking about time, energy, passion, drive, emotion….and even money….I only have what I have…..just like you do. I have remembered what it takes to do everything I have done, and I am really trying to learn about what it has taken for you and everyone else to do what they have done.
I don’t want to minimize what it takes to do things, and I also don’t want to overestimate to the point of paralyzing myself in fear. It’s all just decisions. I can choose to have a magazine worthy body, and there’s no other way to do it but to spend the time it takes to get it there and keep it there….for me, that pretty much will calculate into a few hours a day, almost every day…and it will cost me the dropping of desserts and bread and pasta and and and….but if I REALLLLLY want it, I know I can do that. This will mean that I will have 2 hours less in my day for other things……if I want to have a big huge business again, it’s going to cost…..if I want a wonderful marriage, it’s going to cost……if I want a close, meaningful relationship with my kids…it’s going to cost………..it goes on and on. It’s just decisions, and each of them has a cost. I don’t want to just be addicted to being busy…I want to choose wisely where I spend my time. I want to be o.k. with having a calm life and not feel like I have to continually fill it up with things to feel like I am doing “enough” or that I am making the most of my life. I know that everything has a cost.
This is not a BAD thing, this is a very good thing. I have always been bad with numbers. I guess I never added up everything to see what the cost would be. I just put everything out there on the counter that I wanted and then I found myself scrambling for years and years and years to pay for it.
Now that I am starting over….now that I am at ground zero, now that I have lived a few lifetimes…now that I am paying attention….I know better what the cost of things can be. I know the exact cost of some things. I know that some things are not worth what they cost. I know that other things are worth anything they cost. I know that I personally can not have everything that I might have my eyes on…not all at once at least….
If you ever wanted to learn something from mistakes I have made…or pain that I have ever had…that MANY of us have had…….just learn the lesson that everything has a cost….and that a very very good, simple and beautiful way to live is to have a few things that you love…..that you love to do….that you believe in and don’t mind sacrificing for…and that you give all that you have to those things instead of spreading yourself thin and scrambling to pay for things that you really didn’t ever want as badly as you thought you did…..whether those are real tangible things, or emotional things or relationship sorts of things……..
This time around, I am going to cherish the things that I cherish, I am going to try harder to pass on the things that are too costly right now….and I am going to make time to love the things that bring joy and peace and meaning……..and stay the heck away from the things that COST me my joy, peace and meaning.
Cha-ching. That was me saving up some peace & happiness in my heart.
Lots of love to y’all.