I had a little lesson today smack me hard right on the behind…and that is good because I needed it.
There is a bad habit that I am trying to break….and it is something that I have discussed with lots of kindreds who have recently had years-long stretches of life trials……but are now on the other side. It is comforting to know that others have dealt with this too…but it is something that I just want to learn to let go of, once and for all.
Bottom line is…I often have difficulty enjoying good things that are happening because I trained myself during those rough years to expect difficulty, and to understand that nothing is really in my control…and that things can be gone in 30 seconds even if they took years to build. This was a survival technique…and it got me through a lot of yucky years…..but now that we have spent years getting through it, and out of it………I still have some old habits.
The river is high. We live right next to the river. There is a beautiful forest between our house and the river…but the river is running super high this spring….many many feet higher than normal. This means we have not just a little stream and small ponds right out our back door…..but an actual little river and BIIIIIIG ponds…….one of them is stretching almost a mile to the East right now…. it is so beautiful that it breaks my heart to look at it….with all of the trees and rocks and plants and rich dark soil and sunshine reflecting off of it. In fact, last night I woke in the middle of the night, the moonlight was reflecting off of it and I could see it through the window….it glistened and shimmied and was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen…..like the sky was visiting the water and they were all choreographed in a secret night time dance. I stood and watched it for so long…then went to other windows in the house to see it stretching as far as I could see. Then I got sad because I started thinking about how it was going to be gone soon when the river went down…….and how achingly I love this home, and the trees and the water and the peace and the way it seems like it has been waiting for us for all of it’s life. I started thinking about how something could happen and we might not be able to stay….and how I better not get my heart set on it…….better not fall too deeply in love….
But see, it’s too late for that. I am smitten. I am so deeply in love, committed……it’s too late to not fall in love. When the sun came up…..and the pink sky with the big golden light ball started to reflect off of all of it…..my heart broke again thinking about how this water was going to not be here forever.
Suddenly…….my whole soul shook and I felt the words loud and clear…
“MELODY, the water IS here NOW..enjoy it.”
WOW. I know better than this…..and I was falling into an ugly old outdated expired trick. I realized I was thinking more about how to protect myself from the heartbreak of not being here, not having this water……..this whole place……than just ENJOYING IT TODAY.
So I hurried and did my work and spent my whole afternoon sitting with all of it. I took hundreds of photos…even set up a little photo shoot with my other favorite thing…..my boots. I even got in the water to get a photo that I couldn’t have gotten otherwise….in my tights…..
I decided that even if tomorrow it is all gone…..the water……us….all of it…..if this whole big dream is gone……I gotta enjoy every single day of it RIGHT NOW. And……life really is like that, ya know?
So I’m going to work hard on breaking the chains of fear from the past of everything being swept away……..and then carrying that into my future….because even if it never happens, I am already letting myself suffer from it…isn’t that dumb and weird to do???? Especially when I am sitting smack dab in the middle of the best times of my life??????? It is time to BE HERE NOW. THE WATER IS HERE NOW. I AM HERE NOW.
and…..you are where you are. And…every day is temporary….so live it that way. Live in THIS DAY….even if it’s a rough day….remember that it’s temporary….and if it’s a good day…remember that this exact day is temporary……it is precious and good and necessary and amazing and YOURS. Live it.
So here’s a few more photos of this perfectly beautiful day…I took my guitar and enjoyed it….and it was the day that is enough if it is the only one, ever.
Tomorrow will be the one day that is that day…….and I’m gonna try to live it that way. There is so much in the forest that teaches…..like this teeeeeenie little tree that just sprouted up among the big trees…
I knelt down and said ‘YAY YOU!!!!!!!!!!’ ….she inspired me. She is gonna grow even though there’s a long way to go before she is strong and big like the trees around here…she is gonna do it anyway.
Hoping with everything in me that you are letting yourself enjoy every good thing…..all of the goodness, beauty and truth in the world is for you. Enjoy it.
p.s. I have collected cowboy boots for years and years…so people often ask me where they all came from…the answer is…all over the place.