 |
Hi, braves! Melody and I have been neck deep in finishing up our upcoming incredibly beautiful book of Daily Truths (it’s all done and in production! more about that later-you won’t believe how beautiful it is!) and we have been neglecting this blog for a bit. We have tons of awesome things in the works for you, but we admittedly have a little gap this week. SOOOOOOOOOOO, know how loving and wonderful you all are, and how we are SURE that you understand that sometimes there are just weeks like this, I feel confident that you will forgive me for re-running a blog post from a year ago, one that I had tons of fun making!
READ THE POST BELOW, ANSWER THIS QUESTION, and we’ll do a drawing from the answers for a copy of the book! Here’s the question to answer in the Comments below:
What little trick have you learned in your marriage or relationships that helps to keep the peace?? (It can be super simple — like hanging the toilet paper right – whichever way that is for your someone special….or it can be something big and serious…your choice!). We’ll do the drawing by midnight on Wednesday (9-12-12 – MDT).
Just know how much we love you and think about you and talk about you every day. We wish there were many more hours in the day…we are learning, just as you are, how to do better every day. So please accept our apologies for this dry spell, and join in on this fun challenge if you like!
love,
kathy
===============================================================
Four little words that will change your life…
I’m. Not. Kidding.
I’m going to share with you a secret phrase that will change your life, your marriage, your relationship with your kids, maybe even your relationship with your boss or co-workers!
You will be so thankful to know this secret that you might come to my house and shower me with home-made cookies and flowers…(actually, I REALLY love chocolate cake…so if you’re going to bring something, bring that.)
Here’s the deal, my brave friends…we women have an uncanny talent for keeping an internal catalog of all things… At any given time I’ll bet you could give me a good idea of where your daughter’s library book is, or where your hunky husband’s favorite baseball cap is, or where your teenager’s ipod is, or where your boss’s oh-so-important spreadsheet is…
Admit it.
And if you’re like me, it makes you NUTS because everyone KNOWS that you have this uncanny talent, and so you are like the family ‘Google’…everyone comes to you FIRST to find whatever it is they’re missing. Am I right??!
Knowing that we love our hunky husbands and our children and so on, we WANT to be helpful, but let’s admit that it can be slightly irritating to be asked countless times a day where this is, or where that is, and have you seen my?….
Here comes the secret….when said sweetly and with a nice smile, these four words will change your life…
This sounds NOTHING like ‘find it yourself’ or ‘do I look like I have time to find your stuff?’ or ‘if you would just keep your room clean you wouldn’t lose things!’. Instead, it sounds to their ears like, ‘I am oh-so-happy to help you find your lost whatever…just tell me where you’ve looked and I’ll put my day on hold while I find it for you.’
When I started answering my hunky husband with these simple little words, magic happened. He would immediately turn around with a puzzled look on his face as if he were thinking…”Hmmmmmm…where HAVE I looked? Where did I put that?….) and I would never hear about it again. Somehow, magically, mysteriously, he was able to find whatever little lost thing he was looking for WITHOUT MY HELP.
AND because I said it sweetly and lovingly and with a smile, he had no idea what I was really up to.
I’ve been using these magnificent little words for years now, and I’ve found that they work equal magic on all ages of people. As time goes on, they even start to look for things BEFORE they ask me! (Can you imagine?)
And guess what?
If they really have given it a diligent try and looked everywhere they possibly can, I am more than happy to help out. After all, I am a woman with that incredible feminine talent…
Chances are, I’ll know right where it is.
Change your life….try it.
Love you sooooooo much,
Kathy
|
Being a “let’s fix-it now” kinda gal, I used to rush in when my loved one(s) had a problem, or needed something – - – jumping in right in with 7 potential solutions before they even finished talking. Who can keep that up? And how healthy is it anyway?
So, I memorized (and now only offer) these 5 words: “How can I support you?” Their answer to the question allows them to own their own experience, to be more self-sufficient, and what I end up doing doing for them is always what they really want and not what I THINK they need.
Super cute post Kathy! After almost twenty years I have learned that my dh just likes some quiet time to just sit (aka nap) in his recliner…even just 15 minutes of peace can really help him relax and be more engaged with the girls… Thanks for the chance to win…would love a copy of the book!
I clarify before I begin talking or venting if I am after a listening ear or if I am needing solutions.
Most of the time, I just really want the hunky hubbie to listen.
I’ll just say “I don’t want to fight with you, I love you.” and then whomever it is (hubby, daughter, son, anybody really) will feel the love and then everything’s better
Happy Wednesday Kathy, Melody and all the Braves!
Love from Alabama,
Jude
After having been divorced and then finding the most wonderful man on earth for me to be with, my “trick” is to tell him how much I love him and appreciate him as many times as I can every day(he lets me be me, what a concept!) . After having been through what I went through with my marriage that did not work, nothing he has done has ever even come close to the awfulness I felt with my ex-husband. Little things can be annoying (and they really are little things), but then I remember what I used to have to deal with and it reminds me to tell my marvelous husband-to-be how much I adore him and all is well!
I am a very, very lucky girl!
I’ve STOPPED immediately taking on all of my family’s issues. My boys have now grown into teenagers. So at this point I should be able to sit back a bit & enjoy observing these emerging young men take what they’ve learned (I’m not so arrogant to believe all they’re knowledge has come from me) & apply it to their everyday lives.
But unless I allow them to experience applying their knowledge (in success or failure) all I’m doing is continuing a behavior of dependance. NOT THE GOAL!
So I’ve painfully had to recondition myself to say things like, “I don’t know where your _____ is located. But I’m sure if you take a moment to think about it, you will.”
Parenting is still a full time job. I’ve just moved into a different position.
Thanks for all your lovely eloquent wisdom. Keep being bold & brave.
Face Time. When I get home from work he puts down the newspaper and follows me into the bedroom (he’s home about a half hour before me). As I change out of my work clothes he sits on the bed and asks me about my day. After I change, I join him on the bed and ask him about his. We have face time. No interruptions, no distractions.
By making this time for each other and connecting after a long day apart, I know he’s there for me. When we’re living these stressed and busy days little irritations can become big irritations and cause big riffs. Our face time prevents that by connecting daily and making the love for one another the priority.
Face Time.
Since I am headed to divorce I am guessing that any of my four word answers would not be very positive!!! But I would love the new book and I love you all of you!!!
In my mind his job was to take the garbage out even when he was late from work or class. I remember he will get home so tired and my first question was did you take the garbage out? One day I surprise him by taking the garbage out before he got home and the look on his face was precious! Now we surprise each other all the time by paying attention to little things. Awesome! Thanks.
Eye contact. Something so simple is so effective in our relationship.
Love the pictures!
I have learned that clear communication helps keep the peace. Not only just communication, but learning how the other person communicates and making sure that you are both understanding things in the same way. I’m not an expert by any means, but it is something that I try to be conscious of and use.
BE HUMBLE. These are the words I have added to my quiet vocabulary, the words I try to keep whispering to myself to help remind me of the bigger picture.
I say these simple phrases a lot – they work miracles! “I like you…Thank you…I appreciate it when…” Everyone (including hubby) likes to be LIKED (not just loved) and appreciated and noticed.
I do the things that I KNOW he doesn’t enjoy doing, like the laundry, putting away the dishes …. tidying up the small stuff before it becomes “big stuff”, and as cheesy as this sounds, I wake up and think to myself what can I do for him today to make him smile? For me, if he smiles and I know I did that, makes me happy too!
Anyhow, that is a few things I do to keep the peace around our house
Cindy
My trick to both my man and my kiddos is two simple words.
Thank You.
There are so many little things that we all do for each other that mean so much and we forget in our busy lives to say thanks.. I make it a huge point to look for those little things that were helpful (making the coffee each morning) and not the things that drive me crazy (leaving dishes on the counter). Usually those 2 words are so unexpected that I get a smile from each of my lovies and that makes all the icky drive me crazy stuff go away!
And with that…
Thank you! to all the Brave Girls who contribute to my life on this forum daily.
Casey
I’m a divorced girl… so guess I needed those words before…although i do try with my 2 daughters to do less… make them realise they have to help…. don’t get so concerned about the little things not being done. learning to decide what is important and what can wait…
Fortunately, for me, living with my husband, who is also my best friend, for 43 years, life is easy. However, in general……..be patient; listen intently; be grateful; and love unconditionally.
Choose your battles! Some things are just not worth fighting over.
The most important thing I’ve learned in the last couple of months is this…I am not going to bring others’ expectations into my relationships. I found my expectations for those I love were not my expectations at all. When I finally took a big look at my relationships, I realized the behaviors which were upsetting me before actually are not upsetting at all. I really don’t care if I have to do yard work, I love being outside! Once I dropped others’ expectations I started enjoying all the little things that were upsetting me!
I love it, Kathy!
I’m not married but in past relationships one of my biggest learned success is using “I statements” for communication. As in, “I feel…” which takes the blame out of the equation but allows you to share how you feel.
My husband is my best friend. I let him and the rest of my family know that I am happy to do things for them. Life has taught me that it is easier to be kind and loving to those I love than hurt them over anything.
My four words are pretty simple—I ask my husband “how was your day”? every day he comes home from work. I smile at him and greet him at the door too.
Kathy—I remember those things you told us that you do for your husband each day. I am taking that to heart because I know that marriage is work.
In my head I repeat the words “I care”, it helps me keep relationships where they need to be. So many times I need to stop myself and really Liszt
In my marriage, we simply list the priorities to know what is important and what is not. God, each other and our kids. Those are priorities. Holding grudges or worrying about who did more work, etc, is not important. Be grateful and know the difference.
Cracks me up!! One thing I do is try to remember the relationship is more important than _____. I may still want to discuss whatever it is, but hopefully remembering the relationship is more important will temper my words and attitude. Sometimes it helps me realize the issue is so insignificant that I can let it go without discussion.
I tell my hubby and kiddos that they are appreciated every time they do something around the house and act in love..I tell them that the job they did is awesome and I just love them for helping me around the house..I am very grateful for my hubby and kiddos and i let them know that every chance i get..My words are thank you for a job well done..
This reminds me of when my dear husband used to ask me where something was, and I would reply, “Pretend I’m Dead.” It was a funny joke between us. It was amazing how he could usually find whatever was missing after that. ;0)
I find that fighting over socks left EVERYWHERE just caused bad feelings that spilled over everywhere. Now I simply pick up the socks and he’s thrilled he has clean socks!!!
I am very blessed because my husband does all the cooking and is a phenomenal cook. He also vacuums! So my words are always to appreciate whatever he makes and to let him know how lucky I feel to be living with a chef!
15 minutes of quiet can sometimes do more than an hour of talking. Just be.
Instead of getting upset because my husband does not see the things that need to be done around the house, I make a list for him. He likes having a list, and he is always good about completing it. It takes away a lot of stress for both of us.
FABULOUS post Kathy! I love it – and I’ll definitely be trying “Where have you looked?” LOL!
In our relationship, one of the best ways to diffuse an argument is by not being too proud (or stubborn!) to be the first to apologise. Just saying “Ok I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said/done that” can stop a whole argument in it’s tracks. And laughter… I’m pretty sure our whole relationship is based on our quirky sense of humour! But hey, it’s worked for 20 years so we’re doing ok!
Thanks for the chance to win one of your new books! Have a happy day Brave Girls everywhere! Hugs, S xox
I’ve learned to ask if my hubby (or kids) need me to listen, or need me to help. I always tried to fix things, and that isn’t the solution when someone needs to vent to the person they love and trust.
I also ready the book “The 5 Love Languages” – it has been a great lesson for me in how I show my love to my hubby and what I tell him I need. Good communication can save us from so many misunderstandings! Especially in 2nd marraiges where we blend families, history, and dreams!
My husband loves that I will sit down and watch a tv show with him at the end of the day. He especially loves that I will run the remote since he can’t do it without his glasses and he doesn’t need to wear them to watch TV.
Several weeks ago during the renovations of our house, my husband and I recently realized just how much negativity and correction towards each other could be said in one week.
my craft room is next so I can do Brave Girl Art without needing to mess up our dining room.
So we made a pact when he came home from work that we would only speak possitive to each other, to build each other up. Those first few days we were quite quiet because we caught the negativity as soon as it came out of our mouths. It really was a wake up to us as to how easily we let that slide into our 30yr marriage. Any renovations on a house can bring up friction between a wife and husband who have different tastes or idea’s, but I am grateful we both recognized that and since then we make an effort to build each other up, and somehow during that priority first, everything else in our own needs worked out so much beautifully somehow together. We completed the garage, family room, the kitchen, and now
i can totally agree with mikal!! it’s hard to know when they need to vent to someone or just need someone to listen. this is usually one of the first questions my hubby will ask of me. using that same question has helped me as well. i will surely be using the four words! being raised differently and when you marry if you don’t talk about things before hand makes it harder when things arise. i need to remind myself why i married this man, why is it that i love him so. usually taking a time out before i speak always helps. my grandfather reminded me today that “love is blind and then when you marry your eyes some how see” such a great way of looking at things. remind yourself daily why you commited your life to your hubby, kids etc. look for the good in them not point out the bad. i’m always working on this! thanks for your great words and all the work you put into making all us girls around the world BRAVER!! {{hugs}}
4 more words: YOU ARE A GENIUS! I’m using this from now on.
I know I missed the drawing but here is the word that changed my life from being the “fixer” (most of the time unwanted and my efforts causing much angst) to being the caring, listening, empowering person that I wanted to be – the word is “OH” — say it then just stop talking and do some more listening. I find most of the people in my life just want to be heard and cared about, not fixed. This word can be said with outrage “OH!!”, with compassion “ohhhh….”, with concern “oh?”, with attention and caring but not judgement “Oh.”. Keeps me healthy and sane, lets them be empowered to take care of themselves. Try it!