It is a brand new year. I know many of you have written and asked where I went in 2013………why i stopped blogging.
I think I can count on my 2 hands the amount of blog posts I have written in 2013. I have struggled to find the reasons for why I have not been able to write…..and recently journaled my way to those reasons in my private journal.
I. HAVE. NOT. BEEN. ABLE. TO. WRITE. AT. ALL.
I used to write a LOT. A LOT A LOT. I used to “write hard and clear about what hurts” as Ernest Hemingway advises writers to do. Then…..last year, I stopped. I couldn’t. It has ached and scared me. I begged in prayer for my words to come back…I have begged and begged. I have worked hard to figure this out……..nothing……and finally, it came out in ink on my paper.
I can not write anymore because my husband is finally fully awake…soul and all….nearly 10 years after his brain injury. I wrote and wrote and wrote after his accident. I wrote the words that brought so many of you to me and sealed our hearts together. But I wrote that way because it felt like it was ok to write about someone who would never know of or care about the words I was writing.
here is a photo of marq and I, just months before his accident
I wrote and I prayed for his recovery for all of those years. I compensated, I protected, I pretended, I smiled, I worked. His recovery has come in layers….slow slow slow layers.
Here is a photo of our family just months before the accident…
Parts of him have woken up in layers. Last year, sometime, he started to look at me….the way he used to….all the way down to my soul….he started to see me again as only he can. It was scary after so many years. I knew he saw pain in there that I was hiding. He and I would just look at each other but not know what to say……and both feeling afraid to say anything because there is just so much to say…….because it is as though we have both been away at a war….and we are both back…and we are trying to find each other. And…don’t get me wrong, it has been wonderful…..and we are both so thankful. But there has been so much left unsaid…things too scary to talk about……….what it was like for him, what it was like for me……the way we both feel responsible for what it was like for each other. It’s easier not to talk about it and just to hold hands and go grocery shopping and talk about the kids and watch Seinfeld reruns and kiss.
Here is a picture of our family now (minus our brand new son in law….new family photos coming soon!)
and us…getting older every day 🙂
So….like I said, he started to look at me again…like really see me…..and after he looked at me like that again, I couldn’t write anymore. I couldn’t put my heart out to a blog when he was seeking there for what is in my heart….yet, I couldn’t quite tell him yet either…..because I wasn’t sure he could handle it. I surely wasn’t sure I could handle it. I didn’t want to hide or hold back anything from him anymore.
Those years were hell. There is no way to put frosting on that fact.
I figured this out by the ocean with some beloved friends. I sobbed when I told them that Marq and I have unfinished business and that I felt like I was holding secrets and that it was all I could do to keep them inside. My body broke out in horrific hives for 9 months as the secrets bubbled to the surface, begging to be told. I started to tell him some of the things that happened during those long years of his recovery….things I swore I would never tell him…..and he would just look at me…all the way down to my soul…and then hold me….and sometimes he would cry….but he would always say….”I am so sorry that I was not there for you……I am so sorry that happened.” …and then I would ask him what it was like for him…and we started to talk.
..and we have not stopped talking.
…….yet, there is still so much left to say.
There is a blog post that has been read over a million times since I wrote it in 2009… YOU CAN READ THE ORIGINAL POST HERE …….it has been republished in several magazines and on many big international blogs and yet he had never read it. Several of his friends have mentioned it to him because it has been read to them or forwarded to them…read in business meetings and church meetings and conventions. I finally told him that I blogged about our story for years before he started to get better…and then I stopped. I read him that blog post…he cried.
I asked him if it was okay if I started to tell our story again. He said if it would help someone…sure, of course it was okay………and then…….I asked him if he would help me tell the story.
There is so much that has never been told. 2014….I will be writing again…..and it will feel so good. And….he and I want to tell our story.
So………2014……my word of the year is “US”...and his is too. If I am 100% honest, I have not been able to trust that word wholly and completely until this year. Whatever is ahead for “US”…..I’m all in. So is he.
So…….that is what is coming up. Our love story, our pain story, our bottom of the pit story, our climb story, our stay story, our go story………..all of it. I finally feel healed of this block…….it has been a long, silent, itchy year…………a year where I learned that I can’t write unless I can be honest…..
…and so this is the year of US and I am staying home, by the fire……..with him…and we are going to excavate our stories………and we are going to share the ones that might help someone along the way….
“THE DARE” all came about after a conversation that rang so true to me and shook me to my core…..with another person who was exhausted and doing all sorts of “big things” that were on the list….marking things off of the big list and feeling pressure to do even bigger things….even though exhausted.
It came out of my mouth….”I dare you to just stay home and change the world from there…for one whole year”
…and then it grew from there. I dared myself. And, the more I thought about it……the more I realized that most of the biggest work, the most important work, the most irreplaceable work we will ever do…..is right in front of our faces….often right in our own homes and jobs.
So that is what THE DARE is all about……….changing the world within 7 feet of yourself, within 7 minutes of now, within 7 miles of where you live. (or somewhere thereabouts)
Changing your life, your family, your community, your neighborhood, your job…with little things…….little things that just take seconds and minutes. WE DARE YOU TO CHANGE THE WORLD…the one that is RIGHT in front of YOUR face…….and allowing yourself to feel how ENORMOUS that is, what a difference it makes, and that you are really the only one who can do it….so if you don’t….it will never be done.
We really can change the world this way. Oh….the FUN it will be too…and ohhh the beloved people in our lives who will benefit.
This will be a FREE online experience……a class, a facebook group, downloadable worksheets….a photo stream……..something for us all to do together and cheer each other on…and we will start sometime in February…so…get ready for THE BRAVE GIRL DARE. <3 We will be telling you more about that so soon.
and finally……………….this is an analogy of the life that Marq and I want to lead together…….and even a literal thing we want to do together…..plant a giant field of daisies and put out a great big sign that says……”TAKE A BUNDLE FOR SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO KNOW FOR SURE THAT THEY ARE LOVED”
After telling some of my beloved story-holders, my soul sisters, around a fire this year that I just wanted to stay home and plant daisies with my beloved this year……………..I found this poem I started to write wayyyy back before his accident…..it’s a dream I have always had…and the way I have always seen my man…..
and this sums it up………….it’s about him and me….and our crazy daisy farmin’……it’s just THE BEGINNING of the poem…..and this year…we intend to finish it. <3
The Crazy Daisy Farmers
They left the past behind and and bought some ground.
A handful of seeds and no one around.
She didn’t know why but she knew for sure
These seeds would be a life’s work for her
She went to her love and said, this is my plan
He looked in her eyes and and then took her hand
He said I don’t know why, but I see that you do
I’ll do what I can, I’ll always help you
They walked to the field, so much to be done
He said what will we plant? As he looked at the sun
She opened her hand full of tiny little seeds
She said; Somehow these seeds will fill other’s needs
Let’s plant them, he said, and we’ll help them to grow
One thing we know; that we reap what we sow
People drove by just shaking their heads
Oh you should hear all the things that they said
But the boy and the girl just kept doing their best
Looking to each other and forgetting the rest
More coming soon…
I’m writin’ again.