Why I couldn’t get myself to blog in 2013 and how a teenie little 2-letter word is changing that. (AND A BIG BRAVE DARE I’M TAKING AND ASKING YOU TO TAKE TOO)

It is a brand new year. I know many of you have written and asked where I went in 2013………why i stopped blogging.

Here goes….

I think I can count on my 2 hands the amount of blog posts I have written in 2013. I have struggled to find the reasons for why I have not been able to write…..and recently journaled my way to those reasons in my private journal.

melody journal

 I. HAVE. NOT. BEEN. ABLE. TO. WRITE. AT. ALL.

I used to write a LOT. A LOT A LOT. I used to “write hard and clear about what hurts” as Ernest Hemingway advises writers to do. Then…..last year, I stopped. I couldn’t. It has ached and scared me. I begged in prayer for my words to come back…I have begged and begged. I have worked hard to figure this out……..nothing……and finally, it came out in ink on my paper.

I can not write anymore because my husband is finally fully awake…soul and all….nearly 10 years after his brain injury. I wrote and wrote and wrote after his accident. I wrote the words that brought so many of you to me and sealed our hearts together. But I wrote that way because it felt like it was ok to write about someone who would never know of or care about the words I was writing.

here is a photo of marq and I, just months before his accident

marqmel w daisies

I wrote and I prayed for his recovery for all of those years. I compensated, I protected, I pretended, I smiled, I worked.  His recovery has come in layers….slow slow slow layers.

Here is a photo of our family just months before the accident…

family in 2003

 

Parts of him have woken up in layers. Last year, sometime, he started to look at me….the way he used to….all the way down to my soul….he started to see me again as only he can. It was scary after so many years. I knew he saw pain in there that I was hiding. He and I would just look at each other but not know what to say……and both feeling afraid to say anything because there is just so much to say…….because it is as though we have both been away at a war….and we are both back…and we are trying to find each other. And…don’t get me wrong, it has been wonderful…..and we are both so thankful. But there has been so much left unsaid…things too scary to talk about……….what it was like for him, what it was like for me……the way we both feel responsible for what it was like for each other. It’s easier not to talk about it and just to hold hands and go grocery shopping and talk about the kids and watch Seinfeld reruns and kiss.

Here is a picture of our family now (minus our brand new son in law….new family photos coming soon!)

family 2012

and us…getting older every day :)

marq and melody 2013

 

So….like I said, he started to look at me again…like really see me…..and after he looked at me like that again, I couldn’t write anymore. I couldn’t put my heart out to a blog when he was seeking there for what is in my heart….yet, I couldn’t quite tell him yet either…..because I wasn’t sure he could handle it. I surely wasn’t sure I could handle it. I didn’t want to hide or hold back anything from him anymore.

Those years were hell. There is no way to put frosting on that fact.

I figured this out by the ocean with some beloved friends. I sobbed when I told them that Marq and I have unfinished business and that I felt like I was holding secrets and that it was all I could do to keep them inside. My body broke out in horrific hives for 9 months as the secrets bubbled to the surface, begging to be told. I started to tell him some of the things that happened during those long years of his recovery….things I swore I would never tell him…..and he would just look at me…all the way down to my soul…and then hold me….and sometimes he would cry….but he would always say….”I am so sorry that I was not there for you……I am so sorry that happened.” …and then I would ask him what it was like for him…and we started to talk.

..and we have not stopped talking.

…….yet, there is still so much left to say.

There is a blog post that has been read over a million times since I wrote it in 2009… YOU CAN READ THE ORIGINAL POST HERE …….it has been republished in several magazines and on many big international blogs and yet he had never read it. Several of his friends have mentioned it to him because it has been read to them or forwarded to them…read in business meetings and church meetings and conventions. I finally told him that I blogged about our story for years before he started to get better…and then I stopped. I read him that blog post…he cried.

marq and melody now

I asked him if it was okay if I started to tell our story again. He said if it would help someone…sure, of course it was okay………and then…….I asked him if he would help me tell the story.

There is so much that has never been told. 2014….I will be writing again…..and it will feel so good. And….he and I want to tell our story.

So………2014……my word of the year is “US”...and his is too. If I am 100% honest, I have not been able to trust that word wholly and completely until this year. Whatever is ahead for “US”…..I’m all in. So is he.

our year of us

So…….that is what is coming up. Our love story, our pain story, our bottom of the pit story, our climb story, our stay story, our go story………..all of it. I finally feel healed of this block…….it has been a long, silent, itchy year…………a year where I learned that I can’t write unless I can be honest…..

…and so this is the year of US and I am staying home, by the fire……..with him…and we are going to excavate our stories………and we are going to share the ones that might help someone along the way….

….and so THAT brings me to “THE DARE”
brave girl dare ad copy

 

“THE DARE” all came about after a conversation that rang so true to me and shook me to my core…..with another person who was exhausted and doing all sorts of “big things” that were on the list….marking things off of the big list and feeling pressure to do even bigger things….even though exhausted.

It came out of my mouth….”I dare you to just stay home and change the world from there…for one whole year”

…and then it grew from there. I dared myself. And, the more I thought about it……the more I realized that most of the biggest work, the most important work, the most irreplaceable work we will ever do…..is right in front of our faces….often right in our own homes and jobs.

So that is what  THE DARE is all about……….changing the world within 7 feet of yourself, within 7 minutes of now, within 7 miles of where you live. (or somewhere thereabouts)

Changing your life, your family, your community, your neighborhood, your job…with little things…….little things that just take seconds and minutes. WE DARE YOU TO CHANGE THE WORLD…the one that is RIGHT in front of YOUR face…….and allowing yourself to feel how ENORMOUS that is, what a difference it makes, and that you are really the only one who can do it….so if you don’t….it will never be done.

We really can change the world this way. Oh….the FUN it will be too…and ohhh the beloved people in our lives who will benefit.

This will be a FREE online experience……a class, a facebook group, downloadable worksheets….a photo stream……..something for us all to do together and cheer each other on…and we will start sometime in February…so…get ready for THE BRAVE GIRL DARE. <3 We will be telling you more about that so soon.

 

 

sun w daisies

 

and finally……………….this is an analogy of the life that Marq and I want to lead together…….and even a literal thing we want to do together…..plant a giant field of daisies and put out a great big sign that says……”TAKE A BUNDLE FOR SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO KNOW FOR SURE THAT THEY ARE LOVED”

After telling some of my beloved story-holders, my soul sisters,  around a fire this year that I just wanted to stay home and plant daisies with my beloved this year……………..I found this poem I started to write wayyyy back before his accident…..it’s a dream I have always had…and the way I have always seen my man…..

and this sums it up………….it’s about him and me….and our crazy daisy farmin’……it’s just THE BEGINNING of the poem…..and this year…we intend to finish it. <3

 

 The Crazy Daisy Farmers

 

They left the past behind and and bought some ground.

A handful of seeds and no one around.

 

She didn’t know why but she knew for sure

These seeds would be a life’s work for her

 

She went to her love and said, this is my plan

He looked in her eyes and and then took her hand

 

He said I don’t know why, but I see that you do

I’ll do what I can, I’ll always help you

 

They walked to the field, so much to be done

He said what will we plant? As he looked at the sun

 

She opened her hand full of tiny little seeds

She said; Somehow these seeds will fill other’s needs

 

Let’s plant them, he said, and we’ll help them to grow

One thing we know; that we reap what we sow

 

People drove by just shaking their heads

Oh you should hear all the things that they said

 

But the boy and the girl just kept doing their best

Looking to each other and forgetting the rest

sun w daisies

More coming soon…

I’m writin’ again.

xoxo

melody

Comments

  1. Stephanie says

    You have such a gift of putting words in all the right places–it enables you to deliver the message in the most perfectly powerful way. Thank you, Melody–many blessings to you and your family.

  2. Christina says

    Tears tears tears. There are conversations me and my little girl need to have about how my depression affected us. I am speaking to my single-mom group this Friday, and I think I need to share You Must See Past What It Seems. Love you!

  3. Julie says

    I love this…and I am so in. Sharing your story has helped me so much as has all the online workshops. Thank you for sharing your heart and so excited for your year of “US”. xoxox

  4. Debbie Kay says

    I am fairly new to Brave Girls so I didn’t know about your husband – I am so sorry for all the pain and tough times you & he & your kids have been going through. What a writer you are – I was totally captivated by reading this blog. I cried most of the way through it – I am trying to go back and read the original post to see what happened. I admire you and pray for all of you. I am excited about the Dare program also. It sounds like it could be life changing. Thank you so much! Blessings, debbie

  5. Denise says

    It has been months since I’ve been reading BGC posts regularly. I stopped reading the Daily Truths. I stopped responding to posts from my BG Camp sisters. I have used losing my job, the ‘Busy Holidays’ and my ‘S.A.D.’ (seasonal affect disorder) as an excuse for being MIA in friends lives and my own life also. I was…no AM living in inertia.

    I started coming back to the BGC website last week not really knowing why, trying to catch up on some of the things happening in your family Melody, and also kindreds who give so much of themselves to all the ‘Braves’. I finally reached out to one of my good Brave sisters the other day, talking about nothing really. Not being able to put words that make any kind of sense to this non-existence of my life. I feel as if I ‘should’ be doing something really BIG in my life….your story helped me identify that it is impossible for me to go outside of my life to do something really BIG when I can’t do that in my own life, for myself.

    Thank you again, and again, for this. Thank you for being so open with your personal struggles and life. So, all of that said…I’m going to trust that I was brought back to BGC for this story, to see your work in action and to participate in ‘The Dare’ . Thank you Melody and Marc for living what you teach, being Brave and trusting so many of us with your story.

  6. Beth Stiver says

    I am praying blessings and freedom for you and Marq to be able to tell each other your stories and heartaches. Thank you for sharing your lives with us, and giving all of us hope for the future. Thank you for all the online courses that have come out of your pain, so others can come out of their pain. Thank you!!!!!!

  7. Maureen Blake says

    Sweet sweet Melody, thank you so deeply for opening the door of your heart and letting me in. I have grown so much from my time with you in Body Restoration and Soul Restoration . . . and I have been listening HARD to hear how Grace is wanting to lead me, and your Dare is eggggzactly on target. A soul’s bull’s eye . . . I have long felt that my “local little stuff” was really truly BIG stuff in Grace’s universe. But I guess I needed some more outside validation, and your Dare did just that. I am eagerly awaiting more news of how we will all be shining our lights, right where we are.

  8. Donna says

    Melody, Thank you so much for sharing such a personal message. I know it will help or soothe a lot of your brave girl sisters, myself included. I am in my 2nd marriage and the past few years have been trying for us. I know I lost my feeling of love for him and then I could feel it going on to others. I found tears welling in my eyes as I read your story and it made me take a step back and see. Really see. I had already taken preliminary steps for a divorce last summer. The papers are ready at my lawyers to go ahead with, when he hears from me. After reading your post, I think I’ll delay that move for now. Put my heart and soul back into this union and hopefully he will too. You are such an inspiration for me, I can’t tell you that enough! I think I can safely say, I hope, that all of your brave girls are watching your back and sending love to you everyday. I know I am.

  9. carisa says

    I love this dare! It rings so true with our word of being intentional this year. I’ve wanted to shut down everything and have really backed off of social media, blogging, etc. because I realized it wasn’t blessing my family because it was taking me away from them in so many ways. thank you for sharing your story and your husband being willing to share as well. I think your story will help a lot of people.

  10. Christine N says

    As always, your words speak to my heart but this time it’s very different. I recently found out that my heart donors family planted daisies at the accident site, I’ve been wanting to find ways to honor her and things just haven’t worked by no fault of my own. I’m taking the dare!!! I’m ready for this! Love you so much Melody!

  11. Kimberley Tan says

    Thank you so much for sharing your writing. It takes a “brave” soul to put down on paper what you are feeling in your heart for the whole world to see. I will definitely join your dare challenge! I have been locking up my heart for a long time and I hope and pray it is time for me to begin to let the light in…… xoxo

  12. Courtney Walsh says

    Mel, so much here that I love…especially that you are writing again, but also this part about staying home and changing the world. I’ve had a similar revelation about real life vs. online presences. What a blessing to look in to real, live faces! Especially the ones who love me. :) Can’t wait for this! <3

  13. Dianne West says

    Love, love, love this! I look forward to reading your stories ♥ and I will accept ” The Dare”. I’ve wanted to do this, have thought about doing this, and yet have done so very little. A beautiful young widow friend recently wrote an amazing post of things she did to honor her husband on the anniversary of his death. It spoke to me, but again I did not act. I will now.Thank you.
    http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2013/12/8.html

  14. Pamela Aulds says

    So glad You are writing again….Your writing touches & helps so many of us…You are Truly Loved by So So many of us…xoxoxo

  15. abundantmama says

    Oh my gosh. I didn’t know anything about your story and just started following you on Facebook because I saw a cool graphic I liked that spoke to my soul. I am in tears reading this. I am also humbled. I too, used to write/blog voraciously. I was so into it. Then nothing. I don’t know why but I know something is working its way to the surface. I am joining your dare and will stay tuned. I feel a tiny crack in the armor around my heart. Thank you thank you thank you. xo

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