Hello beautiful friends…. I promised to give a continuation of this crazy journey I’ve been on healing from adrenal exhaustion…chronic hives,etc….and before I begin I want to tell you that I’ve had a giant progression on all levels. I feel so grateful every day these days to have finally found some answers to the health problems I’ve been having. Parts of it have been less than a good time, however…so part of this post is kinda sad and down in the dumps…because that is exactly where I was…..and as someone who values fun and joy and ease……it has been quite a stretch for me to take the healing path I took over the summer. But I am a brave girl…and after this summer, I claim that title for myself without question. Been doing lots of reconnecting with my beloved too…. Again I want to tell you that I am doing great….better every day….and the purpose of this post is simply to sort of beg you, dear friend…..to really examine what might be keeping YOU from flying free……I’m so thankful to be feeling the way I am feeling lately….living the life I really want to live…because I’ve felt caged up, trapped and stuck for a long time now……. And having a chronic condition can really mess with you. I’m kinda tired of talking about this because it makes me feel like a huge whiner…but ya know what….it’s stuff we gotta talk about. So…here goes….. Above all things, I need freedom. I am a free spirit and a wild flower. This is not big news…I have been a weird and wild human from the moment I knew I could be. I’ve always danced to my own drumbeat…a drum that’s collaged and painted and covered in funky artsiness….a dance that resembles the wind. Yes, I need freedom. I know that you need freedom too…we all do.
Another thing I am…is someone who is compulsive about needing to make sense of everything. When I can not make sense of things easily……I create economies, ecosystems and governments in my own head to make sure things make sense for me. I then live by those made up, very rigid and stringent rules for myself….just so things can make sense for me. I create systems to “pay” for things, and I make sure I pay dearly. I make hefty contracts with myself. And I kill myself to live up to them. Somehow, from a young age….I learned that I could make things make sense if I did this. You can probably understand now how tormented my mind and heart gets when I’m feeling weak….or sick…..or less than who I wish I could be…..when I need to be free….yet I create constructs that are rigid, demanding and dictatorial….and I do this to myself. Thing is…I bet you do this too. We are so mean to ourselves.
Are you ready to be free too? I sure hope so……cages suck.
I have learned through some pretty painful lessons on this healing journey. I’ve learned that I have constructed my own cages, my own locks and my own misery……all of it in my head. Sure….lots of it has come from traumatic and difficult experiences…but those experiences are over and what’s left is just my own thoughts. This has been new knowledge that is so powerful and empowerING….but also incredible painful. Know why it’s painful? Because I never would have imagined that it was ME doing this to myself. I have already done SO MUCH soul work. I have worked very very hard. I have worked so very very hard to get out of the cage I was in. But then I felt like I got thrown back in when I lost my health…..and it is easier to believe that the wild and wacky personal system I constructed in my head is REAL (and by the way, in my head, it only applied to me…not to anyone else)…and that the rigid rules requiring perfection are to blame for my anxiety, my sickness, my sadness…my problems. The thing is though…..I MADE THOSE RULES. Then, I believed those rules. I believed that not keeping them meant I could not keep anything good or true or wonderful or beautiful. Yes, I know you might be saying “WHAT THE?” because I teach this stuff every day…I have witnessed miracles in thousands of women who have learned this stuff FROM ME. And I believe everything I teach…it’s just that I created an economy in my head from a very young age that I have to pay and pay and pay for things….and when I got sick 2 years ago…I couldn’t pay in Superhero proportions anymore…..which put me into a tailspin of massive panic that added to my sickness…..(a sickness that came from too many years of exhaustion from trying to live up to my made up personal economy) Well, I couldn’t pay anymore…so I threw myself back in my own cage. Sister….if this is resonating with you please just hold hands with me for a minute ok? We are not meant for cages. This is a miraculous, huge, amazing and life-changing realization for me. It really is….but like I said, it was also wildly painful one that I have been working through for months…making giant breakthroughs over the last months especially that have finally led to a steady incline in my health, my energy, my outlook and my joy. …because I have not been able to be set free until I have taken total and complete responsibility for my own thoughts….my own internal rules…and the way I see things, judge things, punish myself and reward things. Things=me….my actions, my aging, my goals, my energy, my limitations, my creativity, my moods…… AND how I judge everything else in my life….what I do to myself when things don’t turn out the way I wanted them to…the way I planned for them to…the way I worked for them to…the way I think they should have…….things like relationships and projects and healing…. My biggest question always comes around to some form of….”why aren’t things different than they are?” (and even worse…they often go to….”is this my fault?”) It’s no secret I’ve been struggling with these chronic health conditions for a few years now. Some of them are very visible and some of them aren’t. I will admit that I have been through a heck of a lot of trauma. (Just like so many of us have) When my physical health failed, I sought out healing on every level. I needed some help with PTSD and I needed help with some deep grieving. I needed help with some anger. I needed help with the hives that covered my body and with the exhaustion that kept me from everything that I wanted to do. I needed help with a 30 pound weight gain that nothing seemed to be able to stop or slow down. I needed help most of all making sense of it.
Here’s what I know now. Some things will just never make sense. Some things that happen in life send us swirling and and whirling and whipping in the wind until we are ragged and full of holes. When we make up reasons for what caused those things….reasons like “I must have deserved this” or “I could have prevented this if….” or “I must be cursed” or…… “I guess misery is the life that’s meant for me” ….or….”I guess I didn’t pay enough for this good thing, so it was taken away…” ….when we make that stuff up…..we build big old cages right around ourselves. My constant pursuit of making sense of things that will never make sense has led to so much suffering on so many levels that it makes me want to just want to bundle up my body in a giant swaddling blanket and rock myself to sleep, singing lullabies and telling myself the truth. Now I have worked very hard to expose this crazy system I had created for myself (and also give my little-girl self an A+ in creativity for making something so complex to help herself survive) …..and I spent the summer examining all of it. I cried a lot over the lost years…and I kept trying over and over and over to make it all make sense. Some of it still doesn’t and that is ok.
I am done “working hard” to make things make sense. I am all about easing into things now. I am all about cooperating with myself and all of my broken thinking instead of battling it. I am all about going with the sweet flow instead of standing against it, crying about why it’s not going a different direction. I am all about choosing the happy that is all around me. Making sense now consists of cooperating with however things have turned out today….and finding all of the goodness and treasures in whatever that is. I have exhausted myself battling the way things are, instead of surrendering to how things are and easing myself into the flow of how things are. How things are happens to be exactly perfect for me to become who I am meant to become……just like how things are for you is exactly perfect for you. Even when it sucks big time and you want to fight it and make sense of it…….
My personal made up economy has collapsed. The tyrants have all been fired. I am building a commune up in there now full of love and cooperation and ease. I’m gonna dance and sing and work with how things are instead of cry over how they are not. once I surrendered….I finally started to heal…….surrender kinda means to stop trying so hard to bend things to go your way….and I never thought that sounded very brave…..what is learned is that it’s one of the bravest things of all…..fly free…..go with the flow…. I want to tell you everything I’ve learned……. For now…I really hope you will check out SOUL SCHOOL….where I teach all of my life lessons mixed with beautiful healing projects that anyone can do. Did you know we create a brand new SOUL SCHOOL lesson every single month? This month just so happens to be called FLYING FREE…and it’s all about everything I just talked about…full of journaling prompts, lesson videos and art journaling and projects to go with it…along with tons of collage sheets and resources to give you a whole toolkit. (See EVERYTHING included in the September “Flying Free” class and toolkit here.) I hope you will check it out….we work really hard on it and we are all super proud of it…and the thousands of you who are participating have given such beautiful feedback about loving it that I just don’t want anyone to be left out. You can get a monthly subscription for as little as $10 a month!! Your beautiful soul is worth whatever it takes to be fed and reminded and grown and healed. I love you all. Thanks for letting me be real. I am ready to fly again. No more caged birds. Let’s examine our thoughts and let go of all of the thoughts that don’t serve the highest part of our spirits. That’s a lot of trash to take out, a lot of cleaning up to do…….but it is making room for all of the good stuff. sending you love and freedom and keys to the cage…. xoxo melody