This is a rough-earned lesson I learned a while back……thank goodness. But it is also a lesson that I often forget when I am feeling weak and powerless….when I forget my deepest wisdom and what I have learned along the way. I have a pattern of doing it….but as time goes on, I pull myself back to a place of truth faster and faster….(again, thank goodness)
…and I remember that I do not have to prove my value or my worth…and neither do you.
….and I know for sure that I have wasted many many many years trying to do it, many minutes, days, months and years……and no matter what, no matter how much I accomplished, it was just a trap…because there was always ONE MORE THING that I had to do to prove that I was valuable, and lovable, and successful, or whatever….it was never enough because there were always those dark critical voices that would come and tell me that I had to run just a little faster, look a little better, make a little more money, have a few more achievements under my belt……….it’s a trap.
I had something happen this week that got me caught up in this trap again….and I had to go back and do some serious remembering…some serious questioning of all that I know to be true so that my heart wouldn’t break….and coincidentally, I ran into this poem I wrote 5 or 10 years ago…when I was smack-dab in the middle of trying to prove myself.
I was exhausted…and I felt like I couldn’t do one more thing. I said yes to everything and I did everything full blast. I sacrificed everything so that I could be everything to everyone. I was depleted. Over the course of many months……and because of many things that brought me to my knees…I conversed with God. Now, whether or not you believe in God, I know for sure that you have a deepest truth, and the source of it is WHERE your deepest wisdom comes from. At this point in my life, I was trying to prove my worth to God………..and one day……I sat down to write in my journal and here is the poem that came out my pen.
I hope that you can find the strength to stop running so hard that you can not even catch your breath JUST so you can prove your worth. I hope that you will only run because it brings you joy. I hope that all of the things that you do, all the days of your life, are done KNOWING your worth, and done BECAUSE you know you have so much to give BECAUSE you are so valuable…NOT so that you can somehow prove your value. I know the misery of that belief…and I also know that it is a cycle that can never be reached….because there will always be one more thing that you feel like you have to prove……….you are enough right now.
Here it is, a little conversation I had with God:
I Made You
(a poem by melody ross)
I took a stroll and then a walk
A thought at first and then a talk
I said ‘just look how fast I go”
If you watch someday you’ll know.
I walked with blisters, couldn’t quit
No rest, no strength but not there yet
I knew there was so much to learn
So much to do, His love to earn.
I picked up speed and started to run,
I raised my eyes and spoke at the sun,
You see! I’m worth it, look at me!
If I do enough, someday you’ll see.
Look, I said, I’m climbing now!
I’ll keep it up and prove somehow,
That I’m a good one, you will see,
Someday you’ll be so proud of me.
I got so tired but couldn’t stop
I had to race right to the top,
It couldn’t be so far, I knew
I had to show what I could do
Things so bleak, a trail so rough
Wanting to prove that I was enough
Beaten down and cold and shot
But, what if I waste this chance I’ve got?
I climbed, then crawled when I couldn’t walk
A thought at first and then a talk
I’ll climb until I reach the top
I loved you when you strolled and thought
You’ve always had the things you’ve sought
There’s nothing that you have to do
To prove to Me…for I Made You.
I know what you can do, you see
Just do your best and breathe and be
And stop the proving just to show
For these are things I already know.
Walk if you want and run if you choose
Climb if you must, you’ve got nothing to lose
But do it for joy , rest along the way
If you need answers, just kneel and pray
Do your best and know what’s real
Stop climbing when you can not feel
And turn and look into the sky
And watch the birds and how they fly
And know that every part of you
Was created with all that’s good and true
There’s nothing that you have to do,
To prove to Me, for I Made You.
I hope that you will give yourself the gift of telling yourself the beautiful truth and then let the pressure of perfection go…..just do your best…and recognize that YOUR best is not ANYONE else’s best……all of our bests are different. We are capable of so much more than we know, but our capabilities are to bring us joy, not to prove our worth….our worth is already written in rock solid stone.
Be kind to you…tell yourself what is true and real. Don’t let anyone blow your light out by telling you that you will never be enough….because you already are. We are all just on this wild journey, and we get to get up every day and do a little bit better than we did yesterday, or a lot better, but all of it should be done for the joy of it…even the difficult stuff……it can all be joyful.
I will do my very best to stop trying to prove myself, too. It is exhausting.
Sending so much….HAPPY MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND!