Sweet, supportive, loving, incredible Brave Girls….you know that all around you and all around the world Brave Girls just like you are struggling. They don’t show it, but inside they feel it. What if you knew? What if you could see into their hearts? What if she was your sister or your daughter or your mom. Today our question is…
What would you tell a Brave Girl who is grieving?
Maybe she lost a child or a parent or a husband. Maybe it was her sister or her best friend. Maybe she saw it coming…maybe it was the last thing she expected…
Remember…she is real. She is out there. She needs your love…she is hurting….what would you tell her if you had a quiet minute together? Leave a comment and tell her…she’ll find it.
xoxo
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I received this poem from a friend on 12-27-87 when I was going through a hard time. I can’t tell you the times I have referred to it through the years or shared it with a friend. For some reason…… It gives you hope and that knowledge that it really will get better. It just takes time……..
There are times
when you have been hurt so badly
that you are certain
that the pain will never pass,
but it does…..
sometimes because of your efforts
sometimes in spite of them,
but always,
always it goes away.
So hold on, and know that
tomorrow will come
and with each tomorrow
it will be better.
~ Sue Mitchell
always know girls can do it
Let the grief come over you in waves. It will come anyway, but if you ride the waves and give in to going with the waves it will be easier than fighting them. Still be careful and keep your head above the water. Don’t let the waves drag you down. Float with them. Acknowledge them. Let yourself grieve and cry. Give into it, but don’t sink into depression.
Personally, I have had 4 miscarriages, including a daughter at 22 weeks. I also lost my Dad to cancer just over a year ago. Grief is necessary to move forward. If you fight it or think you need be strong, it will only extend your pain. You give in and allow yourself to feel, but don’t go under. I did go under a few times, but I am blessed to have the support of those who pulled me up and helped me ride the waves again.
You’d think I’m a surfer or something, but I’m actually landlocked in TX, but it’s the only way I can describe those churning emotions. You can do this. You have every right to grieve. Take the time because it does take time. You are not weak. You are very brave and oh so loved.
Feel your feelings. Deeply. Don’t push them down. Know that this is where you were intended to be. With these feelings….. this hurt….. this sadness. Because sometime soon….you will be reveling in new feelings and new experiences which you will connect with in a deeper way…. deeper joy… because you will change and grow from this grief. Look for the lessons in your pain. Give up any feelings of guilt…that you had any part or control in these circumstances…this outcome. LIfe is crazy and messy and sad and lovely and beautiful and glorious. Look in the mirror and reflect on the hard moments in your life. ….yet here you stand……today…in this moment….having survived and evolved and you’re still you….with happy moments and relationships and connections and hobbies and a big life full of depth and meaning. The universe is smart. Surrender. You will be ok. We promise.
I have this on my fridge, so that if anything should ever happen to me, my kids ALWAYS know, so I think I would probably tell my grieving brave sister that:
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh
It may be from a children’s cartoon, but to know you have an army of angels, as I like to think of it, thinking about you, supporting, loving & believing in you has meant more to me in life than I can say. I hope it does the same for my children when it is my time and for anyone who may need it now.
This could not have come at a better time. Today is the first day of a 3 day gathering of the loved ones of military service members in our state who have passed away while in service- either KIA, illness or suicide. Reading the comments above helped me know that I can give the people attending some comfort and be a witness to their pain. Thank you.
“I am here if you need someone to help you cry, or laugh, or remember or just be. You are so loved.”
Take it one day at a time, or one hour, or one minute at a time if you have to. You may not be able to see it or comprehend it, but something new and beautiful is right around the corner. Keep hoping and keep moving forward until it’s time to turn that corner.
Each comment and poem was perfect for grieving or for past grieving or for tomorrow’s grief that we never know when it will come, just that it will. Thanks for sharing your hearts!
Tie a Knot and hang on!
Each day is a new beginning, and each new beginning brings you closer to healing.
If you never knew love, you would never know pain. Try to remember all the love. Keep it close to your heart, in your mind and on your lips. Put the pain in your back pocket for now. Sometimes you will need to take it out and have a good cry. But then put it back in that pocket again. Pretty soon you’ll forget that pain in your back pocket and send it through the wash. It will fade, become smaller or even disappear. All that will remain is the love.
A lyric from a favorite song……to a heart that’s been broken, words don’t mean much.
There are no words that can heal your tender heart right now, so I will be here to listen when you are ready. If you want company and just want to sit together and be silent, I will be by your side. You and your family are in my continued prayers!
Don’t hide. Take moments to be still, tip your face to the sun, breathe, and remember. Then when the sun has warmed you all the way to the bone, dried the tears, and burnt your nose, get up a little bit more recharged and go do something, anything, especially small kind things, like iron your pillowcases, or go for a walk with a dog, but do get up and keep living, even when it hurts to breathe.
“I thank my God everytime I remember you.” ~Philippians 1:3 NIV~
I would tell her that I have no words to offer her. I would tell her that grief and sorrow is ugly and heavy. It changes who you are. The sun still rises and sets, that the rivers still flow, That somehow you will manage to get up and muddle the day away. That I hope that it gets easier for all of us who are grieving.
From my own personal experience of great loss in my life, I would tell her this: It takes time. Be kind to yourself. The sun will shine again one day, but for now, allow yourself time to mourn. I think tears help mend a broken heart.
I know this is probably the most difficult thing that you have ever experienced. But be easy on yourself. It’s OK to feel all the feelings that are coming up right now. Look for the joyful memories of your journey together and hold them dear. And know that this love will always be a part of you and will never go away. It will take time to heal but soon you will feel better. I’m sending all my love and prayers to you to help you through. ♥♥♥
It’s from a card that I received when I was grieving the death of my sister and I will remember it always.
The world doesn’t expect you to be fine with with this. Be how you need to be. Mourn how you need to mourn. And know that you are thought of with love.
I just “stumbled” across your site today. I am not a blogger, nor do I have a website. I am however an artist and a creative spirit who hasn’t been able to create in nearly two years. My nickname as a child was “bird” and I have wonderful, happy childhood memories of being “the bird”, but right now I feel like a bird that’s been severely injured. One that keeps flying into a window and can’t get out. There’s virtually nothing left of my beak. I’m bruised and my wings aren’t working properly. I’ve fallen to the floor in sheer exhaustion and my little heart is racing because I’m not sure if I’ll ever get out. Tears are now running down my face and I feel incredibly vulnerable and embarrassed that I’m even posting any of this. You see, I’m the one on the other side of your post today. I’m the one that is grieving. We just burried my best friend and creative partner, Amanda. She was my sister and fought a long and courageous battle with cancer for the past ten years. I miss her something terrible. She was truly a “brave girl”! My dad and mom also passed away recently and it’s been really hard. I know that Manda is out of pain and at peace. She is up in heaven dancing and singing with my dad and mom and another sister. It’s difficult because I miss them so, so much. It hurts………………………………………………………………………
I’m so thankful that I found the “Brave Girls” blog today. The comments that all of you wonderful women left encouraged my heart, especially the one about Winnie the Pooh:|
Thank you Brave Girls for speaking from your hearts!
The Winnie the Pooh quote is wonderful! I have it in my classroom, as each year I have to say goodbye to another group of “my” kids.
I would tell her I will be checking in on her from time to time, and offer her a listening ear and hugs whenever she needs them. I might also purchase a white blanket to wrap herself in when she remembers the happy times with her loved one and aches for their return. (I did this when a student of mine passed away.) I would simply BE THERE, available… especially during holidays and special occasions. When the shock wears off, the painful work of healing begins. It definitely changes you, and in my experience, those changes can make us better people.
Wow! to all of you but especially to Wendy Raley. As Melody has said many times, things come to you at the right time and Brave Girls definately came to you today for a reason.
When I saw this post, I thought the same thing. I too buried a very good friend today and have been very down all week since I learned of his death. I was thinking that Kallie had written this post for me until I read yours Wendy, however, I know that we can ALL learn so much from these Brave Girls who have commented here!!!
My best friend accused me of trying to hurt her and her boyfriend, thus ending our friendship. I want her to know that, although we can never be friends again, I forgive her. Even though I miss her and cry about the cruel things she said, she is forgiven.
Blessed are the tears the fall
that clean the windows of the soul
and usher in a change of heart
that brings a joy that angels know…….
Brian Duncan
I too have only recently discovered Brave Girls and I love the site and find it uplifting and healing. Several years ago my eight year old son was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour and given only a 20% chance of survival. My then husband cracked completely, simply unable to deal with the situation. He became extremely violent and smashed up our home. I had to give up the job I loved and eventually flee to another part of the country so that my little family could be safer. I felt totally overwhelmed and did not know how we would get through this. But we did. My son miraculously survived, although his illness has left him with a lot of problems. My daughter is blossoming and life is more peaceful. There have been many more curves in the road that we’ve had to negotiate, but through it all I remembered a card a thoughtful friend made for me “If you only travel on the sunny days, you’ll never get to where you want to be”. How true that has proven. When I’ve pushed myself to do even teeny little things to move forward in the midst of fear, grief and loss, I’ve noticed a sense of healing and progress. Sometimes that thing can just be letting out the emotions that you’re holding onto so tightly. We live in a society that doesn’t ‘do’ grief (I’m in the UK where I think we’re even more scared of emotions!) and that can make you feel so lonely and isolated. Knowing you are not alone can keep you afloat. Thank you at Brave Girls for the phenomenal job you are doing x
After the hard grieving, after all the crying and the deep, deep sadness, there will come a day when you notice the sunshine again. You will notice things like butterflies, and singing birds, and children laughing and playing. As you come out of the darkness of your grieving, you may feel guilty to feeling better, for feeling life again. This is the point where you may need someone to tell you that you are still alive. I needed someone to tell me that, to give me permission to continue to live, to enjoy the life I had, to laugh and love for the rest of my life. I needed someone to tell me that it is okay for me to recognize that I am not the one who died. I am the one who is still living, and I really need to LIVE my life. The people who love me also need and want me to see that they are still there, that they still matter, and that I still matter to them.
I am a different person than I was before this terrible loss. I am also stronger, and more aware of the things that matter and the things that don’t matter. I’m more careful and choosy about what I get highly emotional over. And I’m happy again. And that’s more than just okay. It’s wonderful!!
To let it all out, cry, scream, yell, or just silently cry, but get those feelings out. I know when I lost my husband everyone told me I had to “be strong” for my kids. I didn’t want to be strong, I wanted someone to just hold me and let me cry till I couldn’t cry anymore.
I would hold the brave girl who is grieving and let her cry, talk, anything that helps her to get it out and to know that she is loved and important and that I would be there anytime day or night and truly mean it. Too often people offer their help in times of grief, but when you do call for help they have other plans or just can’t make it today, etc…… it just makes the hurting you’re going through hurt a little more knowing that it wasn’t a sincere offer. Always be there for someone who is going through grieving, just a hug can make a world of difference to that person.
I lost my best friend to cancer 2 months ago. A few hours after she passed, the daily truth popped into my email box “Live the one precious life you have, really really live it. It is time.” I’ve had a lot of reflection since that day and I am finally beginning to live the life I have always imagined and living present in the moment each and every day, trying to move forward….and as I write this, her internment of ashes ceremony is happening this very minute ,a thousand miles away from where I am. This mornings message about grief and moving forward was truly written for my broken, heavy heart and I must let the hole in my heart begin to mend. I am so grateful for your messages….it is if you have looked into my heart and written the truth I needed to hear today.
Brave girl you woke up this morning. Maybe you went to bed hoping that you wouldn’t wake up in the morning. But you did. And you will wake up again tomorrow. And the tomorrow after that. And somewhere within those endless mornings you will start to feel a bit lighter, a bit brighter. You may never be able to say exactly when it happened. You just noticed that something in you is changing – for the better – you start to think that maybe you are worth the effort it takes to face today (and tomorrow, and tomorrow after that). And just for the record – YOU ARE WORTH IT. Believe that – if you can’t believe anything else, always believe that. Just as the sun rises each day, you will rise each day. ‘We marvel at the beauty of the butterfly, never seeing the struggles it went through to become what it was meant to be.’ Your struggles are worth it.
Let grief in but also let the love in. There are often those around us just waiting for a sign from us that we need to be loved. Let them know. Tell them what you need. A quiet companion can offer so much. A strong shoulder means the world to us when we are so weak. Reach out.
My sister passed this site on to me. She must have known I needed it. Reading the comments from these other women help me to know I am not alone in this unknown, rocky journey called grief. As for what I say to all the other brave girls….be thankful that you woke up this morning and still have the time to be happy, but to cry. Someone once said to me tears cleanse your soul.
I don’t remember exactly when I started getting the Daily Truth emails sent to me. I would think at least a year ago maybe a little longer. I lost my significant other/bf/fiance whatever term you wish to call him 1.5 yrs ago to cancer. I had moved to his state to start our life together and 11 mos. later he was diagnosed with cancer. We kept our spirits up as much as possible, but still the battle was lost. I would agree with the analogy of grief coming in waves and at the most unexpected times. I’ve also had a lot of negativity surrounding me. Job loss, moving back to my home state but not in an area I’ve lived before. My parents are very negative. My friends are always asking me how can they kick me when I’m already down? But they do. So what I would tell a brave girl is pretty much like all the above. I’d be there for you, not just with physical stuff, but emotional as well. You need to talk call me, please! Sorry for my tangent, just having a hard time being in an area with no close friends.
My friend Monika came into my life out of tragedy, through pain no mother should ever have to endure, through this pain our paths crossed….my friendship with her has touched my soul in so many ways…I think of the following quote when I think of her-
“The most beautiful people we have ever known are those who have known defeat,
known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have pulled themselves out of
the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding
of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
My friend Monika is the most beautiful and bravest person I have ever known. She has forever changed my life and my soul is forever grateful.
I think of those unbearable, unpredictable times as thunderstorms blowing through. We can’t control the coming of the storm, but we do what we can to hunker down and get through – we find a safe place to ride it out, knowing that in time it will pass. That safe place might a quiet room alone to pray and cry, or it might mean letting a close friend inside to wait out the storm together. The sun will show itself eventually – it always does.
Don’t think there is a time table for grief. You will go through the stages of grief at YOUR own pace not someone elses. Also the stages don” t alway happen in order. Don’t let people pressure you to “get over it” because it has been X amount of years. My son died 10 years ago and I am still finding that I am going through the different stages of grief. Also don’t be afraid to ask for help. I thought I could heal from this trauma all on my own. One day I realized it was okay to reach out for professional help. It is brave to let go and reach out for a helping hand.
When you wake up in the morning, say, “Thank you.” There will be many days you don’t mean it. Say it anyway. Someday it will be genuine. Sit up and put your feet onto the floor. Feel its solidity and how it will bear the weight of your grief. Stand up and take a deep breath. Feel the air fill your lungs and push life through your veins. Believe that, for now, this is enough.
The pain will come and go. Some days you will feel it gnawing at your insides, chewing your heart. Other days you may make it until late afternoon and suddenly be knocked flat. The thing to hang onto is that this intensity is not forever. The pain will last in some form, but it will get better in some ways–just give yourself all the time it takes. You can’t rush mourning. It is visceral. Believe that you will survive it. That is being Brave. And it is Truth,
My husband died two years ago from suicide . He gave
Me four beautiful daughters. We might not
Know what hardships we will have to endure but it is our choice whether it makes us better or bitter…I choose to have them make me a better person…..
OMG! Please, I hope you don’t mind me sharing this, but I feel, hope and pray that maybe my experience may help some “brave girl” out there in some way, as this is part of my story, which for some reason I feel compelled to share today. Call it karma or whatever, but these BG ‘truths’ always seem to hit home with me, especially on significant days or milestones in my life.
Today is one of the most emotional days of the year that I have experienced for the past three years (September 26th) and I come across this post AND just read Friday’s ‘truth,’ which seemed to have my name TOTALLY all over it. Today is the three year anniversary of my Mom’s passing. I can still feel the chill go through my entire body, the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as if it was yesterday when I got “the call.” You know, the one when family members call from the hospital to tell you that “It won’t be long, you better come.”
Me, being the ‘baby’ of five kids, the “accident” child, born 11 years after the last. My Dad had passed when I was 12, so it had pretty much been my Mom and I together, alone, to face every day since then, as my siblings were all so much older and had gone off to school or had entered the Navy. My Mom had been my very, very best friend, next to my husband and we only lived seven miles from each other. She was my biggest cheerleader, she told me that I “was the reason God gave me to her because He knew she was going to be alone, and that I kept her young.” So hopefully you can imagine how close we were in so very many ways. Not being blessed by having children, between my work as a nurse and my Mom, I felt as if I lived through her, just as she lived through me.
That day when we were called to the hospital, I can still almost feel her hand in mine, as she told me that she was scared. I am confident she knew that it was nearing ‘her time.’ For as many patients and families that I have spent their last moments with in all my years of nursing, I found myself at a loss for words. All I knew to say to her was to reassure her that it was “okay for her to go, that she had finished raising her ‘baby’ and that I had Sean (my husband) now to take care of me.” Well, my siblings knew how close her and I were, and of course, those words simply just tore everyone up.
To make a long story short, my Mom was basically a “DNR” (do not resuscitate) and she lived on through the night, on Morphine and oxygen. The following morning, September 26th, the doctor came in and said that we could ‘remove the oxygen from her,’ since that seemed to be the only thing keeping her hanging on. She was ready to go, she received ‘the last rites’ and blessings (for those of us Catholics here know what that is). Somehow, I got the courage up (brave?, being a nurse?, maybe? – who knows!), but I removed the oxygen from her and within 10 minutes, she passed. This is something I have struggled with every day since that very moment. I’ve been told that I was the “blessed” one because I had the pleasure of helping to relieve her from and to end her pain and it should have been me to do that since I was her “baby” and the closest one to her of us five kids. Yes, in one sense, I know that is true, but the demons I fight with also make me feel like I took her life when it should have been the Lord’s doing.
Anyways, this is only a glimpse into part of the broken and shattered woman that Melody and Kathy have helped “put back together.” They say these ‘days’ get easier as time passes. It does and it has, but I think for each of us, we handle grieving our losses differently. Every year this day comes and goes and I still feel the pain and the huge hole in my life as I did three years ago. If anyone is experiencing such a loss, please, know that you are NOT alone. You are a beautiful woman, a gift from God, sent here for a reason and your life DOES have a purpose. You are so special, you have so much to offer and give to your friends and family, this world needs you – not to mention us other Brave Girls out here. Please, do not hold back. Live the life you want and were meant to live! Live each day as if it was your last. Love and cherish each other. Do not ‘cop out’ on sharing those special moments because you may feel you’re not pretty enough, you’re “too fat,” like I have done so many times — whatever your desires, wants, and needs are, reach for them and live them to the fullest! Remember, YOU ARE ENOUGH!
We love you and we need each other. You are so worth it! I will be forever grateful to Melody, Kathy, and another Brave Girl, Terry (aka for me – “Mom”), each of them have showed me love and friendship that I never knew, experienced, or realized was possible.
I love, miss and need you BGs!
xoxoxo from here in “the Lou”
I love love you julianne!!!!! I fell your pain sweetheart and know you are strong enough to get thru this and anything else God gives you!!!! You are mAking a difference everyday with your caring attitude!!! Know we all love love love you and want you to know you are in out hearts!! Big wrapped around hug coming your way!!!
Love
T (aka your Mom )
Wow, can’t believe I stumbled across this site today…I lost my oldest son, Philip on 9-25-09 at the way-too-young age of 21. Yesterday was the 2-year anniversary of his passing. I had always said “I would die” if anything happened to my children. Well, I am still here. I am functioning as best as I can…still working at my job, taking care of my house, being a wife to my husband and mom to my younger son…I guess I just put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can for that day. That’s all one can do – take one day at a time. There are good days and there are not-so-good days. I just go with the flow and allow myself to FEEL what I am experiencing that day.
Lift as you climb. Your load will lighten as you look for someway to lighten the load of someone else.
I lost my father due to lung cancer in January and I was devastated. He was diagnosed in April 2010, and January 2, 2011, he was gone. I thought the time we had together would allow me to grieve and prepare myself, but when the day came and he left this earth, it hurt more than I could have prepared myself.
I’ve lost a lot of loved ones in my 28 years on earth, and the best piece of advice that I’ve received is that “you can’t rush grief.” Especially with my Dad, I just wanted to feel “normal” again and go through all the stages as quickly as possible, but I realized that you can’t rush grief and the healing that comes with it. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to have some alone time, be alone, and if you want to be happy, it’s ok. It’s an icky feeling to be in limbo, but in order to fully heal, you really have to allow yourself time to get through it all…
It’s tough being brave after losing a spouse of 25 years…caring for my husband as he struggled with brain/spinal tumors for over 20 years was the ultimate act of love and compassion. He died five years ago…I’ve been through ups and downs…grief at its most raw moment is so heart wretching, yet I needed to simply focus on ‘one moment’ at a time…one day at a time…one memory at a time…then there came a day when I finally saw the ‘light’ and came out of my grief. The best way to honor my husband is to live a full life…to give back what I learned from him…to share the love I learned from him. Despite my children also sharing my husband’s illness, despite battling breast cancer…despite numerous struggles life is still good and God is still good. Hang in there brave girl…you will be ok…all will be well. Honor your grief, let yourself grieve.