This is a blog post I wrote on January 21, 2009…I just really keep feeling like someone out there needs to hear it. xoxo Melody
This blog post is for anyone with a broken heart right now…anyone with a broken spirit…anyone with broken wings….anyone who is trying to figure out how to put their life back together. This is for you……
I met my darling friend Lula some time last year….a beautiful, tiny woman with small hands and kind eyes and long white hair. When she looked at me the first time I felt like she looked right through my skin and saw everything I ever felt. After we talked for a few minutes…and I thought I was getting away with the surface conversation we were having…she took my hands and said “you feel like you have been fired from everything you thought you knew, with no explanation, don’t you?” My mouth fell opened, so stunned….I had never had anyone put my feelings into exactly the right words…but she did it.
Then…she looked at me deeply, and softly squeezed my hands. We were sitting knees to knees….she made sure I was really paying attention, waited for a few more big tears to fall and she said…”Melody, You will fly again…I promise.”
I then went on to tell her about the dreams I was having and the way I was feeling and the books I was reading and how everything just pointed to broken wings…..wings that felt like they could never heal or mend…..that my best years were over…….and…how devastating that was. How permanent it felt.
I told her how I’d always been a huge proponent of PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF and START ALL OVER AGAIN. I told her this time it was different. I couldn’t do it….I felt broken and I didn’t know how to ever feel whole again.
I told her about the recurring dream…..of being a little birdie, and sitting under the tree watching all of the other birds fly…..birds I used to fly with….and new birds…and birds that didn’t even know how to fly when I used to fly up there….but now they are flying. I told her how I would just sit under the tree and watch all the birds fly, and cry…..BUT, that I didn’t know for sure why….I wasn’t sure if I couldn’t fly, or if I wouldn’t fly. All I knew is that I wasn’t flying, and that it hurt.
I told her that I read books about how to find your passion, how to ‘fly’….I read books about how to find out who you are and what you want to do with your life…
But…….they only made things worse. You see, I told her…I KNOW how to fly. I have flown before…I used to fly fly fly day and night. I don’t need anyone else to show me how to fly or how to find my wings……my wings are broken….what do you do when your wings are broken?
Well, it hurts. It doesn’t make sense…I think that’s one of the hardest parts….that, one day you feel like you could conquer the world and soar to the highest heights…one day you feel like you are riding the wind, letting the current take you away…..everything flows….you have a bird’s eye view of life….
and then, something happens….and now that I have been through it, I am seeing it happen again and again to other birds….and it doesn’t matter why you feel like you lost your wings or that they are broken past repair….it doesn’t matter whether it’s because your husband cheated on you or your business partner betrayed you or your cancer test came back positive or your house went into foreclosure or you lost the baby that you waited so long for or the parent that you need now more than ever…or that one of your children has gone astray or your husband is chronically ill or you are chronically ill or your business failed or your prayers weren’t answered the way you wanted them to be….
doesn’t matter…it all hurts the same….and lots of times it leaves you to crash to the ground in a botched emergency landing.
there’s one truth that ties it all together, though…….that you WILL fly again….you will.
We humans, we fly with our hearts. All we need is hope, and faith….when we lose that, that’s what puts us under the tree, flightless…..watching everyone else and wondering what happened. I know it’s hard to find hope and it’s hard to find faith when we feel like the whole world just got swept out from under us…..when we feel like we are too full of holes to be anything but empty. But, I promise…you can fly again, and you will. I know that…….let me tell you how I know……
and that there are over 10,000 different species of birds.
I learned that the anatomy of wing is so super-high-tech that it absolutely, positively HAD to be by divine design. I learned that God takes ALL of His masterpieces VERY VERY VERY seriously. He gives his winged things, and ALL of His creatures, great and small…everything they need to be successful, to fly….not just to fly, to soar. (unless you are a chicken….but, I’m sure there’s a big huge reason that they don’t have soaring wings but hot wings instead….)
And….I didn’t just learn today, but a very long time ago…..that…..even though we are all human beings (created in God’s image, by the way) that there are millions of different kinds of US…and that we are all made with everything we need….and like wings on a bird or a butterfly…..We fly with our hearts.
AND WE WERE MEANT TO SOAR.
Let me show you and tell you why I know that……This is about as personal as I have ever gotten, even though anyone who has ever read my blog knows…I am a pretty open book….I put it all out there, and take it or leave it, love it or hate it..this is me…no apologies…none….but, this here, what I am about to show you….wow, this is REALLY personal. And, let me tell you why I am doing it. You see, since my last real blog post…I have gotten SO MANY LETTERS and emails…so many…of people who are in so much pain…and I have tried so hard to keep up with personally writing people back (and I’m so sorry if I didn’t get to you yet)….and, I am seeing, that for every person with the courage to admit how broken they feel…there are hundreds more who are too ashamed…because….I was. Weird to feel ashamed for being in pain…but, that’s us…we are human. Weird to feel ashamed that you can’t fly…but, we do…I know I did.
Here’s my big personal secret…this sculpture. This, I made one night when I could not find any words. Then, when it was done, I put it in a dark box…..and put the lid on…and left it there for many months….I did not want anyone to ever see it….because…this sculpture was me…..and it was YOU, if you are broken or ever have been…this sculpture is wingless and hairless and clothesless and eyes-less and hopeless. This is where I was. But, what I see is that I did know that the only thing I could do was to give my heart to God. (that is what is in her hand) This is when I felt like my arms and my legs were barely attached to my body (just by a thin string) and my wings were not attached at all. This is when I did not know how I was even breathing because my heart was not in my body but in my hand…this is when all that I had left was enough hope to hand my heart off to God…to beg to Him to help me fix my wings….that was all I had left. This is when I was crying out and begging…begging for the courage and strength and the will to fly again.
Wow….this is vulnerable huh? this is personal…like I said…take it or leave it…this is my truth and I am committed to living my truth for the rest of my days….no apologies…none. I just know I have to tell you where I was so that you know that I KNOW that you will fly again. I know you will.
I KNOW YOU WILL FLY AGAIN!
Because I AM FLYING again…..and, it is miraculous and beautiful and amazing and…….now I can see the birds under the trees…where I used to be….not only see them…but really really FEEL them…so, I have to tell them what I know. YOU WILL FLY AGAIN.
Now…let me tell you what else I learned today..I learned what to do when you find an injured bird……directly from the ornithology society it says…
“Place an injured bird in a covered box (with air holes punched in it), and keep it in a warm, QUIET place. Do not try to administer first aid, offer food or water to the bird, and avoid lifting the lid to check on its condition. The less it sees of you, the less stress it will experience, and the better its chances for recovery will be.“
Hmmm…I thought that was great considering I had put my little sculpture in a dark box, put a lid on it and let it be.
So…are you giving yourself a break? Are you letting yourself heal up? Are you understanding that it’s ok if you need to be left alone to get things figured out? For me….once I was in a “covered box in a warm quiet place” I was really able to let God do what He needed to do for me….but that took lots of trust. That’s back at the end of 2007 when I CLOSED FOR RESTORATION….I really did too….we moved way out in the country, an hour away from everything for a whole year….that wasn’t planned on my part, but it sure was exactly what I needed.
Here’s what happened……and it was sort of uneventful…and natural….without a big ceremony or any kind of warning….the lid came off the box…..I sat there for a minute..and then I tried to fly…and guess what? I still knew how….and, I was strong enough. And….I am flying a little bit every day now…feels so so so good….especially when I think about how I REALLY HONESTLY BELIEVED that my flying days were over………oh no, honey…..no way…that’s not the kind of life that was meant for us. We were born to soar….
so here’s me…..a little flying birdie……and it feels so good….even though I am not one of those really fast and really elegant and really exotic birdies….I am who i am and I am flying….and I am so happy. It was time for me to fly again….and it was not on MY timeline because I would have chosen for it to come much sooner…BUT….God is never early and never late…but always right on time….(in the words of Egonda’s daddy, one of my greatest teachers)
I will leave you with one final little message from my sage friend, Mary Kay……..we sat in her Pilates studio earlier this week…..and, as she always does, she coached me with some really wise words……she said….that she wishes that New Year’s resolutions did not come in January…that it’s just the worst, most unnatural time..during the Winter..when everything is dormant and we can not plant or grow anything…that it is just not natural…that winter is for rest and renewal and recharging…..and that spring will come soon enough….
and I realized….that flying is that way too….some years we are in the winter of our life……..and it seems like nothing is happening…that everything has stopped…that it’s cold and lifeless…but, it’s only a season…and then spring comes…and we can fly again.
YOU WILL FLY AGAIN…I just know it. YOU WILL. Now…go make a list of all the things you can do while you are in your little box, resting, mending, healing….make that time for yourself…because before you know it…you will be soaring….
….when you are sitting under that tree, all alone…seeing all those birds flying above you…..look past the birds that are flying…and look past the clouds…and ask our God, who loves you and knows you…ask Him to show you exactly who you are, give Him your WHOLE HEART…and then you will know FOR SURE that you will fly again as soon as it is time….
so much love to you little birdies…..