Thankful today for a little friendly reminder from my soul…after I was working way too long, way too hard, and reverting back to old bad habits that get me every time….it’s embarrassing to admit that I do things that I shouldn’t even though I know better….but I correct things more quickly now……and somehow I just know that I will always struggle with certain things…for the rest of my life….
Last year some time, I set out to live the EXACT life that I wanted to live…a life that I could totally love and feel like I fit perfectly inside of. Over the years, I had gotten so off track and found myself living some life that sort of just happened to me because I didn’t decide anything different for myself. So…I wanted to do an experiment and see if I could live the exact life my heart yearned for. Does this sound crazy and impossible?? The hardest part of it all was figuring out just what “life” that was. That is HARD work, honest work….heart and soul work.
I have been continuously surprised, as I have interviewed myself, answered a million questions, journaled, collaged, pondered it, tried things out……I have been perplexed even…as I keep tuning that in, honing it down, condensing it….that this life that I really want to live is a very very very simple life….uncomplicated, unfancy, uncluttered, unglamorous……just simple and beautiful.
Some of the things that kept coming up in my journaling during that time are…I want to be surrounded by trees…I want privacy…I want to wear jeans and tshirts every day…I want to have time to think and be and write…I want to be in nature…I want to be surrounded by kind people who like me exactly as I am and understand and support my need for solitude….and kindness……..I want to be home….
I was on some other road for a very long time. Maybe that was the right road for me for a while. It doesn’t fit anymore though…it’s uncomfortable and scratchy and constricting and makes me feel like I am playing dress up. That’s not the right road for me anymore., this is something that I know for sure. But…change is hard. Change is scary.
Today on a walk through the woods, I realized something that I had not stopped to notice……that I am, at this moment, living the exact life that I want to live. I AM LIVING THE EXACT LIFE THAT I WANT TO LIVE!!!!
6 weeks ago our family moved…and we moved to a place (a place I will tell you about soon) where there was no internet, and no hope of getting sufficient internet without digging a 400 yard trench….so what that meant was that when at home, we had no t.v., no email, no social networking, no researching, no online games…..we were unplugged. We didn’t know this was the case until after we moved in. This led to some incredible, memorable time together, and individually….and some new habits for how to spend our time…and some beautiful discoveries about what a simple life feels like…..
Yesterday the trench had been dug, the men had been out to put in the cable…and the guy came out to hook us up…as of yesterday morning, we are connected to the world again.
WELLLLLLLLLLL……..I reverted back to some of my old habits almost immediately.
Within a few hours of being able to get online……..I was feeling inadequate, insufficient…like i didn’t measure up…like I was behind on everything….like I could never possibly catch up to what everyone out there in the world is doing. All the stuff I didn’t even know about until I was plugged into the worldwide web……the night before I was feeling content and happy….suddenly I was miserable and cranky….
Yeh, I know…I have been here before. I just know now within a few hours that I don’t have to feel like this, and that I need to stop doing whatever it is that is making me feel like that….
…making me feel unsatisfied, CONFUSED…..making me FORGET the life that I really want to live and making me think that I should be living some other life….
making me? Ok…I am LETTING it….
ANYWAY…..my little epiphany started with this view out my bedroom window.
I worked from home today…and I was on about hour 10 of a very long day…..I had walked back to my bedroom several times…past lots of windows and glass doors…and every time I walked past them I would think…
AS SOON AS I AM DONE WITH THIS PROJECT I AM GOING TO GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE SOME PHOTOS OF THIS AMAZING AUTUMN.
Then this view called to me…it said….”are you seeing this? are you stopping to notice this???” It is like my true North was talking out loud, reminding me that this whole exact moment was there just for me, and I was not even noticing it because I was too busy worrying and working toward the next big goal. But in my mind…again…I was saying…
AS SOON AS_______________, I WILL_______________________
This afternoon I realized that I have been saying that for most of the 6 weeks that we have been here. Once I was honest with myself….I grabbed my camera and headed outside and told myself I had to take at least 5 photos…an hour later I had taken nearly 100 and I felt totally on track again….
Because all the while I was out there……everywhere I looked, it felt like the breeze was a voice asking me questions and showing me things and reminding me things…..
saying things like…..
“Did you forget to notice that you are surrounded by big, protective trees…did you already forget that you prayed for that…and worked for that…and dreamed that up…and that HERE YOU ARE????”
“Did you forget to remember how much you love to notice how the sun paints everything into gorgeous sparkling masterpieces all day long? Come on…step over here and let me remind you….let me also remind you that THESE ARE THE THINGS that the life you have always wanted to live are made up of….and here you are….”
and my soul said…
“Did you already forget to notice that you found a home with a TURQUOISE BARN??? And that this very home found you? And…that here you are…living the life you dreamed up, decided on…the life that fits you perfectly……a quiet simple life with a turquoise barn….”
and my soul said…
“Did you notice the butterfly houses that sparkle in the evening sun? The butterflies are long gone…have flown away..they are using their wings…but look look look at the milkweed masterpieces left behind…..”
and my soul said…
“If you hadn’t have walked out here…..you never could have noticed this gorgeous moss that is all over the rocks….it’s been here waiting for you to notice it…..to bring you joy and remind you that this is what you’ve always dreamed of….but you keep forgetting to notice…doesn’t that feel better already?”
and my soul said…
“Did you forget to notice the way that water sparkles and shows you a reflection of what is right in front of it….look around you at everything that is RIGHT THERE for you to notice…and has been there all along…..”
“Did you notice the ONE SINGLE turquoise rock among the other thousands? Isn’t that fantastic!?”
and my soul very sternly said…
“Did you remember to notice how good you have been feeling since you decided to step onto the path that you dreamed up, and off of the path that was making you crazy…..onto that path that you worked for, that you had faith in, that you asked for, that you trusted in……and that you even you decided to be in the best shape of your life by your 40th birthday…heart and soul….and here you are????????
Please stop forgetting……”
“Did you forget to remember that your family is happier and more at peace than EVER…and that your marriage is amazing, and that you get to make art and write every day…..and that you made it through a refiner’s fire and decided that this is the EXACT LIFE that you want to live?
Did you remember that you get to make art every day that is straight from your heart and write and write and write and that everything has been flowing and feels SO GOOD????
my soul already knew the answer…so she finished with….
“OK THEN….stop looking at what everyone else is doing and live YOUR LIFE….enjoy it, protect it, love it, take care of it….”
and I decided to say…
“OK. I will.”
Now I’m sitting her hoping that you are way smarter than I am…and that you don’t get hung up on comparing, or “researching” or watching to the detriment of living your own unique life. BUT IF YOU EVER DO……….just get back on track. It feels so much better when you are being true to who YOU are…and what YOU want, and HOW you want your life to be…..embrace it.
Sometimes you gotta get through the fire, though……so thankful for all that I have learned that has gotten me to now. I just need to keep remembering it….and stop forgetting it.