Let me start out by telling you this….I used to be a party girl….a wholesome party girl, but a party girl all the same….my number one question was always…”where is the fun?”
Ok…I will show you the whole photo…this was an 80’s birthday party about 10 years ago for my 31st bday….Here’s Marq and I in our alter-ego attire…..I know, hilarious….I know, ridiculous….
This is how I would describe myself now, most days…still a free bird………but goodness sakes…..I just kinda want to chill…by myself or just with a few people, and I really only wanna be with VERY KIND people, and people who GET ME and don’t want me to change into something that I am not….and if I am with them, I want to give them my undivided time…in the quiet, where we can talk…..where there is peace….where we can just sorta be…and make art….and talk about things that matter……….ways to help, ways to grow, ways to create more goodness in the world….
where did my party girl go?????
Thing is….I am profoundly, profoundly, profoundly happy. Profoundly at peace.
But what I am wondering today is how YOU view being an introvert, as opposed to being an extrovert? I used to believe that I was an extrovert, although I always ended up exhausted after doing extroverted things (even though I enjoyed them most of the time.)
Now….I love my quiet little life surrounded by trees.
I love the small, intimate gatherings that I have with a few close friends…the little trips we plan…the small intimate retreats…..I am falling in love with small, intimate, quiet. I love being at home with my family…sitting by the fire, listening to music…talking. I love being with a few friends who know me…I love being with a few friends that I am just getting to know. Not much of a BIG EXCITING PARTY…..but SO MUCH of something I can’t quite put my finger on……so GOOD, so RIGHT.
It is so crazy to think about how I used to live compared to how I live now…but I have found over time that I am actually most certainly an introvert…..I am an oftentimes an outgoing and very social introvert….but I get my energy from being alone……and knowing this and adjusting my lifestyle has made an enormous difference in my anxiety level, and in the peace in my soul.
Is it possible that an extrovert can turn to an introvert?
Is it ok if I don’t know?
Is it ok if I don’t care?
Is it ok that I am what I am…and you are what you are?
Is it ok that I am still growing and learning and becoming and changing?
Is it ok if there is still SO MUCH that I don’t know…and don’t know if I will EVER know???
I turned 40 last October….and so many things have changed in so many ways….way down deep in my heart. I am wondering if this is just age, if this is experience, if this is all of the soul work I have done that has peeled off layer after layer as soon as it was time for it to be peeled, and that I feel 100% at peace with myself and don’t have all of that wretched brain chatter going on all the time that makes it so I can’t stand being alone with myself…..Is this is a phase, or is this is the new normal?
Whatever it is….
….I am becoming a hermit…and I kind of love it.
“Solitude is impractical and yet society is fatal.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
To me, this validated the anxiety I was experiencing every time I had to leave home. Then, I started to research more of the words of Emerson and found that I am quite likely ok in my ever growing desire to live a private, secluded, simple and meaningful life in my long-awaited tree surrounded abode…..making art, writing and inviting kindreds over…..traveling only to be with kindreds……and being very careful about when and where I emerge into society…because sometimes society really does feel fatal. (don’t you think so?)
These are the views out my windows….the views that welcome me each day and make me want to stay home. I prayed my way and willed my way into this home…..
I never would have, EVER thought I would find myself loving being in solitude so much. I am not sure what has happened over the last year….but I just don’t want to leave my house much at all. I work from home, I eat from home, I entertain from home, I think from home, I imagine from home…I travel the world through Skype from home. I have conference calls and live chats and teach online to hundreds of women at a time….from home.
I feel like a new chapter of my life started last year….and that the shift was so dramatic and so compelling and meant to be……..and that everything I am doing, and that everything that is coming into my life is supporting the ability to live this way.
So, is this ok???????????? Yes, it is. I KNOW IT IS. I feel like I am right where I belong. Will this season in my life last forever, who knows….who cares? I am going to stop trying to figure it out and just enjoy it…
For so long I had to travel travel travel…….and got a bit addicted to the running, chasing, striving, winning. I feel done with all of that. IS this what happens at 40?
I love the peace of not feeling compelled to run, chase, strive or win…….but simply to be.
And that instead of seeking out fabulous destinations……..I am living life from HOME.
So….are you an introvert….or an extrovert? How do you balance your time alone with your time with lots of people? Has it changed as you have grown older? What brings you joy and energy and peace?? Would LOVE to hear your thoughts….
Sending you all so much love…