Every morning I must choose to start over with the intention to be better than yesterday. And that certainly doesn’t mean that I am actually getting better every single day. Some days I don’t progress at all. Some days I go completely backwards. But still, each morning I must choose to have a brand new beginning. In fact, you know what? I usually need to start over several times throughout the day… I am a perfectionist and it is SO HARD to give myself the grace I need to start over when I falter. I’d rather go hide and cry in shame (and sometimes I do!), but that never gets me anywhere because shame is not in line with the truth and worth within me and within every beautiful human being. Grace is what I need to start over again and again and again. It’s what we all need… GRACE, not shame. As many times as it takes– Every. single. day.
Many mornings are a breeze to begin with a fresh start. Some mornings are tough and take a lot of effort. This morning took me a good couple of hours before I could put my foot down and make the choice to begin again.
I don’t get my hair done very often (only about once a year)… Yesterday I went to my hair appointment, I told my stylist what I wanted and I showed her some pictures. When it was all done, I kind of liked it but didn’t LOVE it, and I thought maybe it was the lighting in her studio that made the color look funky. But I was too shy and didn’t say anything about how the blonde tone didn’t look quite right. I went to my car and sent my Danny a picture, and of course he said things like “Wow baby! You are one HOT mama!!! It looks beautiful!!” So I went on with my day and felt fine about my new hair. Then I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, and I just started sobbing. (I am 6.5 months pregnant, okay?) I don’t know if my hair magically changed overnight, if it was my crazy pregnancy hormones, or what… But I HATED it and I was having an emotional breakdown over some silly hair. I felt like my life was ruined for a good hour. My poor husband was leaving for work and I was crying in his arms as I sent him out the door. He was so sweet and understanding.
At that point I started down-spiraling. I felt terrible that I was sobbing as Danny was leaving for work… and I thought, “now it’s my fault that he is going to have a bad day. He gifted me this hair appointment as part of my birthday present and now he’s going to think I am a high-maintenance, ungrateful, immature little girl for behaving like this over my hair. Surely his day is ruined because of me!” A few minutes later I felt my baby girl kicking inside of me and in my irrational state of mind, I thought, “how in the world am I going to be a good mom to this sweet little baby if I can’t even handle my hair being the wrong color?!” I cried a while longer. I was being much too hard on myself. I went to the mirror, brushed my hair, and tested out different styles to see if I could get it to look good. Nothing was working… and obviously I needed to give myself some grace for a re-do of my morning. I texted my mom (Melody) and she first assured me that it was okay that I was crying over my hair, then she let me know that I could get my hair color fixed quite easily and she told me exactly what I could do. Danny called me to tell me it would be no big deal to go back to the hair stylist and ask her to adjust my hair. I took a few deep breaths and remembered that I could start over that very second. I thought, “alright, I am going to be okay! My life is not ruined!” Now I can start my day over again, make it productive, and be a much better wife when Danny comes home than I was when he left.
I am so thankful that I can begin again WHENEVER I need to! There is absolutely no shame in that… None. It is such a beautiful gift that we can all take advantage of every minute of every day.
I know that my reason for beginning again this morning is quite shallow and most likely related to pregnancy hormones. But guess what, I needed it and I am going to need it again tomorrow. I am going to need it when I slip up in my marriage or other relationships and I am going to need it when I don’t make perfectly healthy choices. I am never NOT going to need it.
There are so many mornings and afternoons and nights that I need to start over in my marriage and other relationships. It is so easy to let something unkind slip out of my mouth, or to let my eyes roll, or to to deny an opportunity to serve. And that’s why it’s a beautiful gift that we can start over at any moment… because even the kindest, most loving person you know can say unkind words, roll their eyes, and deny even the smallest chance to serve others.
When we are trying to make healthier choices, it is so easy to eat that one cookie, skip that one walk, or go to bed one hour later than we should have. It is okay, in fact it is so courageous and admirable to start over again and again when we slip.
It is easier for some people than others… so let’s give ourselves some grace AND let’s give others some grace, too. Because everyone is going to need a LOT of start-overs every single day of their lives.
Here’s to a lifetime of beginning again and again!
xoxo – malary
P.S. This month’s Soul School theme is “Begin Again” and it is by far my favorite month yet– because I have been extremely hard on myself since the day I was born… and the knowledge of being able to start over without shame is priceless for me. I think it would be SO valuable for us all to learn the lessons included (especially at this time of year)! Plus the projects are super gorgeous.
Click here to read and see everything that is included in Soul School this month. You are going to love it!