Archives for – doing difficult things

You gotta meet Florence…and how girls change the world

27th October 2010 by Kathy Wilkins under -- doing difficult things, -- you gotta meet..., EVERYDAY BRAVE

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about girls. About their natural strengths and gifts, and how they are so often undervalued in our world.

I am blessed with a remarkable daughter who has brought many of her joyful, creative friends into our home. To raise a daughter is to be immersed in the natural exuberance of girls. And have you met my sisters and nieces? My amazing mother? My girlfriends? All of them creative, fearless, funny, loyal, loving; all of them fierce mother bears when they need to be.

These are qualities that change lives; qualities that are changing our world.

Meet my friend, Florence, who lives in war-torn Nigeria. I call her my sister across the sea. Florence is a young widow with no formal education, and though unmarried women have little stature in her community, she is caring for six children. Some of them are her own, and some of them are orphans from the war.

Organizations that try to help communities like the one in which Florence lives have discovered an incredible, previously untapped resource. Women.

Given a chance and a little hope, a woman will find a way to take care of her children. She will do what it takes to care for others’ children, as well. (If you are a girl, you know that this is absolutely the truth.) She will joyfully support the efforts of other women.

Together, they will figure out how to clothe, feed, and educate the young and the helpless.

They will sing together in the light of their kerosene lamps and laugh and cry together as they undertake the enormous task of rebuilding their communities.

They will fill their homes with color and love as they weave their torn and broken lives back together.

Women are amazing that way. I am so proud to be Florence’s friend. And I am filled with hope when I remember the other women in my life, the joy and strength in those women.

What is it that really makes the world go ‘round, anyway? Is it money? Politics? Power? No. I absolutely believe that it’s much simpler than that (thank goodness). It’s….

hanging onto hope, no matter what

recognizing, when no one else does, when someone needs a hand to hold

searching for joy, and always finding it somewhere

creating something only you could envision

nurturing and loving those who cannot take care of themselves

being a real friend

Girls make the world go ‘round, by being brave enough to do whatever it takes to create a beautiful, light-filled world, wherever they may be.

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Lessons on Bravery from a Furry Friend

18th October 2010 by Kathy Wilkins under -- doing difficult things, -- homemade life, EVERYDAY BRAVE

This is Missie…our family dog. She is a white Shih Tzu who stands up on her hind legs and twirls for treats, plays growly games with my husband, and sleeps near my feet while I work at my computer. My twin daughters, Angela and Tessa, sneak her onto their beds when they can get away with it. She is a sweet part of our family.

A few weeks ago as I was sitting in my home office working on prep for Brave Girl Camp, my neighbor ran up to my door and pounded on it. I ran to the door where she yelled, “Your dog has been hit by a car!” I ran outside and found Missie off to the side of the road where she had drug herself…her head was bloody and her eyes were wide and unresponsive. We live out in ‘farm country’…and the traffic is sparse but very fast. We wrapped her in a towel and rushed her to our veterinarian…

We thought she would die…we thought she was brain damaged…we thought she was blind…we knew her jaw was broken. This is how Missie looked when we brought her home later that week…wired jaw, random shaving, eye stitched partially closed, huge lump of dental cement in her mouth to keep her jaw stable…

All of this happened just a few days before we had to leave for Brave Girl Camp, so of course I brought her with me so I could take care of her and give her all the pills and eye drops and gooey eye ointments that were going to help her get better.

At Brave Girl Camp, she spent most of her time sleeping in her crate, coming out for just a few minutes to eat and do her business and be loved up by the oh-so-wonderful Brave Girls there.

She let me treat her eyes for the first several days, then one day she started growling and biting at me when I came near her. She fought me and scratched at me and shook and cowered and yelped and cried. For 3 days I was unable to get any medicine in her eyes..I tried being loving and kind, I tried being sneaky, I tried holding her down (impossible with her broken jaw), my Mom tried…we tried everything. When she returned to the Vet for a checkup, the results were terrible…her eye was swollen and painful and it looked like she would lose it completely. The medicine was critical, and if I couldn’t find a way to get it in her eye, she would be blind

Now I know that dogs live beautiful lives all the time with just one eye, but all of us were determined to save her vision so her life could be the best it could be…so she could return 100% to how she was before the accident. I suppose some of it was my own well-deserved guilt for not protecting her as well as I should/could have. I had let her out to chase squirrels and knew the risks of the road nearby, but somehow thought it would never happen to her….lots of regret. Lots of determination to make it right.

The frustration was that with her broken jaw, I had to be so careful with her…there was going to be NO forcing her to allow the drops and ointments. No holding her down. No wrestling with her.

I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but one day she just decided to GIVE IN.

She just sat there and looked right into my face (with her one good eye and her funny smile, lol)…and she decided to TRUST ME. She allowed me to help her without fighting me…no more scratching and growling and crying and hiding. Just trust and submission.

When I took her back to the Vet the next week, there had been significant improvement….it looks like her eye will heal completely. We all cheered and celebrated!!! Even Missie was caught up in the excitement and stood up on her back legs and did a little twirly dance right there in the exam room.

So…what have I learned from this little experience?

1. Often what is required in order to heal is that we just stop fighting and scratching and crying and just give in…TRUST…ACCEPT the help we need without running from it…(SUBMIT to our Healer)

2. Life can totally take you by surprise. One moment you can be running around in the sun chasing squirrels, and the next you can be stopped in your tracks by a big mean truck that leaves you bloody and beaten.

3. We need to watch out for each other. We need to be the neighbor who drops everything when she sees someone who needs help…someone who pounds on door until she finds help. Not a weak or selfish or too busy ‘well-intentioned’ neighbor who drives by and sees a tragedy and ‘feels bad’ but DOES NOTHING.

4. When we’re battered and hurting, it’s okay (and necessary) to give ourselves time to rest and restore. In fact, there is no other way to recover or heal.

5. We must do everything we can to protect those we love from dangers that WE know are there, but that they might not be aware of. I have great regret that I failed to do this and caused my little dog such pain. It is not enough to have good intentions…our responsibility to those in our care is to do everything we can to protect them. Tragedies and accidents will still happen, and we have to accept that…but our responsibility and our joy is still to do all we can to take care of each other.

My Mom always said that animals have souls and feelings and emotions of their own…and I’m sure she’s right about that.

Now it’s your turn…I’d love to hear your stories of brave pets and what you’ve learned from them!

love,

kathy

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summer is over and Jackson is gone…is it okay to cry about that?

18th September 2010 by Kathy Wilkins under -- doing difficult things, EVERYDAY BRAVE

They just drove away….my daughter Kallie, her hunkie and oh-so-wonderful husband, Jeff, and my little man…my 18 month old grandson, Jackson. This summer they have lived on our property in an rv they have lovingly made into a little home (http://www.weliveinanrv.com)…and today they’re headed back to Utah. Kallie is due to have a baby in October, and she needs to get back to their home to feather her nest and rest; Jeff is applying for his dream job.

I should be happy that things are going so well for them, I guess, but all I can feel is…WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! They are taking Jackson with them!!! How can they do that to me!!!!

I took Jackson for a little walk this morning. He wanted to show me the birds…I took him down the road to look at the cows. I cried all the way there and back. My little man has changed so much since they came in May…he has learned to walk, he has learned lots of new words, he can now reach the door knob without getting on his tippy toes.

All summer long I’ve seen Jackson’s cute little pudgy face every morning, fed him countless bananas, picked up a gazillion toys from the floor, gone on lots of little outings, taken countless walks, coerced many tiny kisses, cuddled every time he’d let me, tried to memorize how his little hand feels in mine…because I’ve known that it was a once-in-a-lifetime summer, and that there will NEVER be another summer spent with this little guy at this time in his life.

I tried very hard to make it count…to make memories….to take nothing for granted…to be intentional…to be aware and grateful for these sweet months. Because I knew that it would be over all too soon, and that some things you only get to do ONCE.

So I’d better be paying attention.

These darn kids….they come into your life and you love them and then they have the nerve to just drive away…..*sigh*….. I’m going to indulge myself with a good long cry today. And probably again tomorrow…

I’m getting ready to tell my son, Jake, goodbye in a few months. He’s now a man and has important and wonderful things planned that I’m so thankful for. I remember holding HIS little hand and trying to memorize how it felt…thinking that I didn’t know when the last time would be that he reached over to hold my hand. When was that last time?? When did he get to be such a grown up young man?? When was the last time I rocked him or sang him to sleep??

Why can’t I remember any of the frustrating, exhausting, confusing, infuriating, hard days of raising him? I can only remember the sweet days.

So…very soon I’ll watch him go out the door and drive away and I’ll be so proud and happy of the life he is beginning…and then I’ll go have a good cry.

I’d do the whole thing all over again in a heartbeat….

love, kathy

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today it’s YOUR turn….

17th September 2010 by Kathy Wilkins under -- doing difficult things, EVERYDAY BRAVE

Calling all Brave Girls! Today it’s YOUR turn….would you take a minute today to leave a comment and tell us two things:

1. What is the bravest thing you’ve had to do or face in the past year?

2. Imagine that you’re 100 years old and you’re being asked about this experience…what have you learned that would help someone else facing the same thing?

We can’t wait to read your stories….

Love,

kathy

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Weaknesses, we’ve all got ‘em….

13th September 2010 by melody under -- doing difficult things, EVERYDAY BRAVE

Before I get started….I am going to tell you some good things about me. I am fun….and I am funny. I am super creative and I love to be happy. I am a fiercely loyal and protective wife and mother and I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure that my family knows what they mean to me, and that they have everything they need. I am a pretty darn good sister and I am a super fun aunt. I am friends with most of the people I grew up with, to this day….and I make as much time as I can for my friends, old and new. I can play 5 chords on the guitar…..I care deeply about other people and I try really hard to help out whenever I can….I am a REALLY HARD WORKER…I love to laugh…

Now, let’s talk about the flip-side. I am insanely unorganized. I forget things…a lot. I can’t stop eating cookie dough if it is in front of me. I don’t listen to my phone messages very often. I have 36,000 emails in my inbox that need to be organized (that is not an exaggeration, I hate throwing things away)……some of them even still need to be read. I can go 6 months without talking so someone and forget that we didn’t talk just yesterday. I AM HORRIBLE AT MOST THINGS DOMESTIC (unless they are artsy) I have no concept of time. I get into deep creative zones where I can not hear or see anything that is going on around me. I need to exercise more. I am addicted to drinks at Sonic.

This week I came blow to blow….face to face with the reality of lots of my personal limitations, my weaknesses and my frailties. I hate that….I don’t just hate it…I freakin’ hate it. I really really really really really don’t like having weaknesses, frailties and limitations. I don’t like not being able to do all of the things that I want to do, when I want to do them. But, the ingredients for a little storm all brewed together and there I was……all alone to face ‘em. (again)

First…..Mr. Ross went out of town. I know I have said it a million times, if you have read my personal blog for the last 4 years…but Mr. Ross is my rock…and he is half of my brain, and he keeps me together and he keeps things rolling in our household, and he reminds me of all the places that I am strong when I am weak. But he was gone, the kind of in-the-wilderness gone when you can’t even talk on the phone. I will illustrate for you the difference between Mr. Ross and myself….and how things get done when he is here, and how things suffer when he is gone:

Mr. Ross’s closet:

And now….parts of my closet:

Then, I got the flu. And it lasted….and lasted…and lasted. And I had deadlines, and laundry….and 5 kids….and no husband.

And then, to throw in the big stuff…. a few heartbreaking situations came to the surface with great intensity….and I realized that no matter HOW HARD I TRY. No matter WHAT I DO, that in some situations, I will never ever ever be able to do things the way they need to be done. That my best will never be good enough. Combining all of the above mentioned situations……..I had to do some serious thinking how about I was gonna move forward. I had to turn back to the TRUTHS that I teach everyone at Brave Girl Camp to guide their lives by……..because all sorts of mean lies were screaming in my head about how much I just am rotten at the whole LIFE thing…..

What I know, without a doubt in my mind…is that every single one of us is born with strengths that are unique to us…things that we don’t have to try very hard to be good at, and things that we can help others with because we are so gifted in certain areas. We are also born with the ability to work really hard to get good at other things that we are not born good at….and then, we are also born with things that are big huge weaknesses….things that we will struggle with all of our lives….things that will probably always be difficult for us, and will teach us patience, perseverance and help us to know about unconditional love……because there will be so many people in life who will love us even in the weakest parts of our weaknesses.

Remember I told you about the art journal I did 2 years ago that I just found? This is the journal that started me on the road to writing the curriculum for Brave Girl Camp. One of my pages in my YES journal was saying yes to being loved exactly as I am. Let me tell you something…….I wish I was organized. I wish my mind worked in a linear, systematic way. I wish I didn’t completely overcommit to things and never factor in any time to rest, or time for stuff like the flu…I wish I was better at follow-up and follow-through and all that kinda stuff. I wish I was good with numbers. I have tried and tried and tried and tried to be good at left-brain stuff. The mercy of it all is that I am married to someone who is…and somehow, I have been surrounded by people who are…….and the people who make my heart grow SO BIG are the people who see my strengths, and let me see theirs…and then see that if we combined them, we can do amazing things together….people who NEVER ask me to change, and remind me that they don’t WANT me to change, that see my value and understand that I am always doing my very best…and when I fall short, it is not for lack of trying my bootie off.

I had a long talk with Mr. Ross when he returned from his trip. He kissed me on the head about 100 times while I talked…I loved that. He reminded me of all of the things that I am good at. I loved that too. He told me that it hasn’t bothered him for 20 years that I am a free-spirited wild-minded scatter-brained artist, and it’s not going to start bothering him now. He reminded me that exactly the right people were in my life to make up for my weaknesses…and that my strengths made up for MANY of THEIR weaknesses…….and he reminded me how much my strengths helped him every day.

He reminded me that I need to stay out of situations where there’s no way that I could ever be successful, even if I tried my hardest….because it always beats up my soul. He said after you’ve given it your very best, and it’s still beating you up every day…and it’s never going to get any better….it’s time to move on. …it’s time to go where your best is just exactly right…..where it’s seen and needed and valued and matched with someone else’s weaknesses and strengths.

I have INCREDIBLE people in my life. My daughter does all of the grocery shopping and cooking…..my husband runs a tight ship with a chore chart. Sometimes it makes me feel bad instead of thankful (my mother and mother-in-law are both perfect homemakers…gardeners, seamstresses, canners, etc. etc. etc.)………I wish I was the one who was good at that stuff…but I’m not…

I guess the most important thing I learned this week as I revisited this old issues….having to work through them again…is how important it is to protect my soul from the yucky lies that accompany that kind of brain space that you get into…..when you just focus on everything that you are NOT good at, and not anything that you’ve been gifted with. To work hard at getting better and better and better at stuff whenever you can, but really to use your strengths in the places where they are needed to the most…..and staying away from situations, people, etc. that want or need you to change into something that you can never, ever be……no matter how hard you try. Know what I mean?

I have 5 kids who all have different strengths and weaknesses. I think often about report card day….and all of the different grades that walk through the door at the end of the day. I get about the WIDEST range you could probably get…from completely intellectual, disciplined A+ students…..all the way over to just being happy for a passing grade. The conversation goes the same way, every time…….”Did you do your best? Your very very best?” Sometimes the answer is no, usually it is yes………and when the answer is yes….what more can you say? How else can you feel?

Be kind to yourself….be honest with yourself. Where are you weak, and where are you strong? Are you in places where your strengths are not seen or utilized or valued and instead stuck in a place where your weaknesses are exploited or magnified or criticized constantly? Is it the right place?

If you were born a daisy….you will never ever ever be able to be a daffodil…EVER, no matter how hard you try. You might be a rose or a lilac or a lily or an orchid. But…you are what you are…and THANK HEAVENS there are so many different kinds of us…what a boring world it would be if there was only one kind of flower. Don’t ever do yourself the unkindness of trying to be a rose when you are a daisy. Own your daisy-ness and be the best wild and crazy daisy that ever lived.

BE YOU, friend…JUST BE YOU. I am gonna work hard on it too. That’s all I can be, that’s all you can be…..we are awesome at it! We were born to be awesome at it! Let’s get to work, let’s do it…..let’s be the best at just being exactly who we are…..and surround ourselves with others who see the miracle of that.

xoxo

melody

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just feelings

10th September 2010 by bravegirl under -- doing difficult things

Have you ever felt something you thought you shouldn’t feel? Actually maybe I should change the question because when you feel something you’re not supposed to feel, you avoid feeling it… or at least I do. I talk myself out of it. I go over, under and around it, but never through it. I wouldn’t want to feel something I shouldn’t or give attention to something I don’t really believe in but that has come into my mind and heart, right? That’s what I used to believe.

Like a lot of other people in the country, our little family has been struggling financially for the last little while…about 8 months or so. And like a lot of other people, our prayers became a little longer, a little more sincere, a little more frequent when we realized that we were in way over our heads and wouldn’t be able to catch up or stay afloat without His help. We prayed and we believed and we hoped that each day would be better than the next. Sometimes it was, but most of the time it wasn’t so we held onto each other and prayed some more. Months and months and months went by…

I can’t speak for my husband…he is such a rock to me and doesn’t seem to lose hope ever, but my emotions and feelings were all over the place at that time. It seemed like I could go through every emotion and feeling in one day or one hour. Hope in contrast with great despair were at the top of the list. I felt angry at the situation. I felt helpless and completely dependent.

I wanted to feel angry at God for failing us and for not answering our prayers and for making us rely on others. I wanted to blame Him for where we were and I wanted to know where He was. Didn’t He know what we were fighting every day? Couldn’t He see? Didn’t He care for us? What more did He expect of us? Where was His power and mercy when we needed it most?

BUT

I didn’t let myself feel that way. I kept those feelings in the pit of my stomach and if they ever started to come up, I swallowed them back down. I never let them out. I made them stay where I thought they belonged….until one day I was talking to Melody. She asked how I was really doing and I told her things were okay and that we were fine and she didn’t believe me and kept asking questions and really listening to the answers. And slowly my feelings started coming out…cautiously and slowly at first…then when I knew it was safe I told her everything that I had been fighting. I told her how I wanted to be mad at God and I wanted to feel bitter and resentful and how I felt SO guilty for feeling that way. Her answer was so simple:

they’re just feelings.

They’re just feelings. They are not who you are or what you believe. All they want is some attention. So give them some attention and then teach them the truth. She told me to get my journal and write about everything I had been holding back, and I did.

While I was writing, I felt every single thing that I had been holding back. And when I was done writing about how I felt and how I’d been wanting to feel for so long. I wrote what I KNEW in the deepest parts of my soul about those feelings…that God had not abandoned us, that He would CERTAINLY answer our prayers, that He had great things in store for us, that he was more aware than I knew of our situation, that He felt as much anxiety as I did about the welfare of our family. I knew that He loved us as only an Eternal Father could and that there was a reason for everything He had allowed us to endure. I knew that everything He did was for our benefit.

That’s how I gave my feelings the attention they wanted and taught them the truth and guess what? Not much has changed – we are still praying and hoping and believing and pleading. Letting myself feel those things did not change who I am or what I believe or what I know in my heart of hearts. I found out that it’s okay to feel…even when what we feel comes head to head with what we believe because after all, they’re just feelings.

Take Good Care,

Kallie

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23 years and counting…

2nd September 2010 by bravegirl under -- doing difficult things, -- you gotta meet...

These are my in-laws, Dan and LaNae Maughan:

{Dan and LaNae holding Jackson – my son and their first grandson}

I could write volumes about how incredible they are and about the things they’ve taught me about how to live and how to be in the short 3 1/2 years that I’ve known them. My father in-law was hit by a car 23 years ago, and wasn’t supposed to survive. He did, and though he has many physical handicaps, he lives life to its fullest. He’s taught me so much because of the way he deals with his disabilities. He is definitely a candidate for #1 Brave Boy. BUT we’re talking about Brave Girls here, so I want to tell you about the love of his life, LaNae who is one of the bravest girls I know and who has handled difficult things in her life with more grace than could possibly be expected from a person. In her attitude, her expectations, her sense of humor, her faith and the way she lives her life she is one of the best examples I’ve got.

A lot of the things I know about LaNae, I’ve learned from my husband Jeff. He was only two when his dad got hurt, so he’s only ever known a dad who needs help with almost everything he does. Two years old, with no formed ideas about life and the way it should be – still dependent on his mother to teach him everything he would need to know to make it through life. I know that during the time just after Dan’s accident and at many other times in his life, he looked to his mother to know how he should react. I know she taught him well because just after we got married, I asked Jeff if he ever felt mad that his dad couldn’t play catch with him, or that he had to help his dad instead of his dad helping him. He answered me matter-of-factly, “No…guess I never thought about it” and that was that. My husband is an exceptionally good man, but you can’t tell me he came up with that from his own experience. He never thought about it because she never thought about it. Instead of looking back with regret, she spends her life looking forward in hope. She doesn’t feel anger or resentment or spend her time wishing things could be the way they were before the accident. I have never heard a cruel word spoken against the young man who hit Dan nor have I heard a complaint at the way things are. What I hear from both Dan AND LaNae are acceptance of the way things are, hope in a better life day by day and faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

Before I really knew my husband or his family, I knew of them. Without knowing about my father-in-law’s disabilities, I knew that in the years before Jeff and I started dating, they took family trips to Europe and Hawaii. You might think a tragedy of the magnitude this family had experienced would make a person into a hermit of sorts. Not by choice, but by the amount of effort it would take to be any other way. I mean, thinking about putting my one-year-old into his car seat is almost enough to keep me home unless I absolutely have to go out. But not LaNae. Consider going to the movies (which they do for date night every Friday.) First she helps him get his coat on, then waits as he makes his way to the car {something he can do on his own, but it takes him a l o n g time}. While he’s getting in the car, she hefts his wheelchair into the trunk and they’re off. She drives. At the theater, she unloads his wheelchair and waits for him to get unbuckled and get out. She wheels him in and pays then they make their way to their seats where she looks for a seat that’s not too close to the front, but not up too many stairs either. She has taken Dan everywhere from Europe to China to Hawaii, across the country for bi-annual family reunions, camping, on hikes (I’ll have to find the pictures to prove that) and everywhere in between. She has not let the fact that her husband is disabled stop her from doing anything! She is successful in business and even went back to school a couple of years ago for her MBA. All while caring for her children, her home and her dear husband.

LaNae has learned to wake up an extra 15 minutes early every morning so she can put Dan’s socks and shirt on {the only parts he can’t do} before she goes to work. She is his translator when he needs it, his chauffeur, his therapist and his cheerleader. She nurtures her family and provides for them and most of all has shown them through her example how to live fully. She is helpful, hopeful, cheerful, optimistic and loyal. She is everything a brave girl should be and I’m proud that my babies get to call her grandma.