Psst….life is up here….

If you’re like me, you hop on the computer “real quick” to do something specific, and end up spending an hour doing who-knows-what and forgetting what you came for in the first place.  And I don’t know about you, but those kinds of detours always leave me feeling yucky…robbed…and sort of like I just got sucked into another world.  A world where things aren’t real.

Before I go much further, I am going to invite you to do something I know might sound a little weird coming from someone who’s writing a blog post, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart and if you do it I will be absolutely thrilled.

I am going to invite you to turn off the computer.
Turn off your phone.
Turn off your tablet.

And look up.look up darling

Look around and see that life cannot be found on screens…not television screens, not computers or phones or tablets.  Those things seem to have taken over my life and my family’s.  The thing is, unless we’re really careful about what we allow to happen on those screens and we really limit our time with them, we will miss the real life that is happening just beyond them.

What’s happening beyond your screen right now?

Today in Nampa, Idaho the sky is blue and the breeze is gentle.  The grass is green and lush and the trees are dancing with it.  Our chickens are pecking away looking for bugs, and our rabbits are all stretched out trying to stay cool.  There’s life out there.

Inside my kids are giggling with each other and wrestling.

There are a few dishes in the sink and lots of laundry to do from the trip we took this weekend.  There are bathrooms to clean and a fridge to purge.  The garage could use some straightening.  More chores than I could possibly name, but there is life there, too.  The real kind.  The kind that leaves you feeling happy and satisfied once you’ve given them the attention they deserve.

That kind of happiness can’t be found anywhere else, and certainly not in a screen.

There are adventures to be had, bird-songs to be heard, people to be loved, tender words to be spoken, eyes to be looked into, flowers to be seen, breezes to be felt, meals to be cooked, art to be made, and even laundry to be done.  And in those things we will find all the life we are looking for.


So let’s turn off our screens, look up and find the life that is waiting for us.


Feeding your soul, one bite at a time

Food is a love language here at Brave Girls Club. It is one way we say I love you.

We adore shopping and preparing wonderful beautiful food for each other. Serving and preparing food is a huge part of showing our love for all of our guests at camp.  To us, it says, “I took the time and effort to prepare this for you. Please relax and enjoy every bite!”

We are also learning that  it is a beautiful  way to tell OUR soul that WE are worth nurturing and taking time to care for ourselves.  So today I took the time to make my very favorite kale salad. I wanted to share it with you.

kale salad fix_edited-2

It is important to buy the right kind of kale to eat raw. So here we go…make an extra effort to find  Tuscan kale, sometimes labeled as black kale, Russian kale, cavolo nero, or dinosaur kale. Today I was able to find my favorite Russian kale (now you know what it looks like).

Other things you will need:

1/4 C extra-virgin olive oil
Juice from one lemon
2 cloves of garlic
Pinch of red pepper flakes
pinch of salt
1 bunch of kale/ ribs removed and leaves sliced into 1/4-inch shreds
A bit of grated Parmingiano-Reggiano cheese  (optional

First thing I do is make the dressing, whisking together the oil, lemon juice, garlic, salt and red pepper flakes. Set aside.  Clean and chop your kale. Next (this isvery important)…place your fresh beautiful kale in a lovely salad bowl. Toss the dressing onto the kale making sure to coat every little piece. Oh, you are going to love it!

kale on table

It is best to let this salad sit at room temperature for about a half hour.  If I am planing on serving this for dinner I make it early in the day because I think the longer it sets in that yummy dressing the better. I have even eaten it the next day.

So, I hope you take the time today to make yourself something beautiful and nurture your body as well as your soul. 


What everyone is asking….just exactly WHAT is in this gorgeous box?? (the Soul School Welcome Box)

WOW WOW WOW!!! Well, beautiful friends, the “soft launch” of Soul School has been so wildly successful this week that we are just over the moon happy around here….and now our #1 job is to make all of you over the moon happy with Soul School (and we KNOW you will be!!!)  If you haven’t signed up yet…just know that we will always always save a spot for you…and make sure you check it out because we know that as soon as you do, you won’t want to miss any of it! YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT SUBSCRIPTION SOUL SCHOOL HERE

welcome kit in box-670 We wanted to clear up the fact that even though we surpassed 1000 paid subscribers in the first few days of the launch, that EVERYONE who EVER signs up will get this gorgeous welcome box full of gifts to get you going. While it is true that the first 1000 of you will receive a FOUNDING MEMBER card to commemorate the beginning of this awesome adventure (thank you so much for jumping right on this fun wagon with us!)……The FOUNDING MEMBER cards are gone now….but we wanted to make sure you know that ANYONE who signs up for any of the 3 levels of paid subscription (the levels start as low as $10 a month!)  gets a beautiful WELCOME BOX with a BGC membership card, so that you are a card carryin’ member of Brave Girls Club……

This Box is so full of wonderful stuff and we wanted to show you exactly what comes in it……blog welcome box

This is your beautiful membership card… brave girls club membership card copy

When you sign up at the Premium level, you will also receive 2 copies of the book “You are Going to be Okay” …why 2 copies?? Because we want you to keep one for yourself and we know you are going to want to give it away after you read it, because everyone knows someone who really needs this book…so, we gotcha covered…. blog you are going to be okay books

The books are  the only things that are not included in the Basic and Deluxe subscription welcome box…let’s see what else is in ALL the welcome boxes….You will also get a pretty little brave girl badge to put on a fun tote bag or on a scarf or just about anywhere!! blog brave girl badge

You will get a whole deck of beautiful Truth Cards…again, you will get 2 copies of each card so that you can keep one, and give one away!!blog brave girl truth cards 2 blog brave girl truth cards 1 blog brave girl truth cards 3 blog brave girl truth cards 4 blog brave girl truth cards 5

blog brave girl truth cards 6And by popular demand, we have created Brave Girl Passalong Cards…cards to hand out to others to tell them all about Brave Girls Club… many of you have asked for ways to share BGC with your friends and family….well, now you are equipped…the fronts of the cards have a lovely fun design, and the backs of the cards tell all about BGC and invite others to join us!…you will get a whole deck of these fantastic little cards!

blog brave girl passalong cards 1 blog brave girl passalong cards 2 blog brave girl passalong cards 3 blog brave girl passalong cards 4

blog brave girl passalong cards 5

blog back of passalong cardsAnd…..EVERYONE LOVES THESE PATCHES! A beautiful embroidered Brave Girl Patch is all yours…put it on a hat, on a bag, on your jeans, on a pillow….anywhere that you want to proclaim that you are a Brave Girl!

blog brave girl patch


We love to love you…we love to shower you with goodness and beauty and truth……..we hope you will join us at Soul School so that we can send you one of these wonderful boxes!! If you sign up for Premium level….you will get not only this box full of goodies…but another whole box of pretty tools and treasures to go with each month’s lesson, beginning with the current month!! You can learn all about it by clicking the picture below!! Or just click RIGHT HERE

how does it workWe just want to THANK YOU for your amazing support and sisterhood as we have launched this enormous project. We’ve been working on it for years, and it launched this week with a few little glitches that you have all been so patient about. And because this is our “soft launch”  (we will be doing a big campaign and launch in September) we are SOOO OVERJOYED that thousands of you are joining us already!! We can say with every bit of confidence, soul and enthusiasm that we are going to WOW you every single month…and this will be some of the best money you have ever spent…we love you all and we are so happy to spend our careers giving you soul-filled life-changing content and ideas….day after day, year after year. It’s the best job in the world!!! Thank you for joining us!!!


-melody, kathy and the awesome BGC team

-melody with soul school box



Everything you need…you already have

The truth is that every single one of us has everything it takes to do the beautiful and extraordinary things that only WE can do. And so we simply must go out and be extraordinary anyway. We must begin again anyway.


We have everything we need. We are completely capable of doing the things that our heart yearns to do, to give the things that are within us to give, to heal our heart-hurts, to live the lovely lives our souls cry out to live .


What have you learned about yourself since becoming a Brave Girl? (a sweet Brave Boots video…)

Hi, Braves!

Melody and I (and the rest of the BG team) are working night and day here at the Clubhouse on a BIG NEW project that we hope you will each LOVE (more about that soon)….and our poor blog has been a bit neglected. We promise that will change, but for today I went in search of the coolest thing I could find on our YouTube channel to share with you…something that you might not have ever seen but that is just hanging out there, hoping that someone will notice it.

I found something you will LOVE watching…because it is from YOU…from Brave Girls all over the world. It’s called ‘Brave Boots’ and here’s how it came about…a couple of years ago we asked all of you to send in photos of your Brave Boots (or shoes or whatever…) along with your answers to this question: What have you learned about yourself since becoming a Brave Girl?

Brave Girls Club - Brave Boots Video

Brock put the photos and answers together into one of the BEST videos we have ever made. I just watched it again and I was reminded of how much I LOVE IT…I love seeing your names and your photos and the things that you so beautifully shared. So whether you’re new here or you’ve been with us forever, this is a fun and moving video. Hope you enjoy it!!

love, kathy




One of my favorite summertime recipes…Pavlova (you can make this…I promise!)

One of my favorite Brave Girl Camp desserts is this….”Pavlova”…..yummmmmmmm…..a fancy word for a DELICIOUS meringue shell filled with sweetened whipped cream and topped with fresh fruit.

I know this looks fancy and complicated, but it is NOT. If I can do it, you can do it, and I’ll show you in this video that it really is pretty simple.  And there is something really magical that happens when you combine the crispy meringue, whipped cream, and some fresh fruit…it is absolutely scrumptious!!! I’ve used peaches, but you can use any kind of fruit you have around….berries are amazing in this dessert.

SO…be brave!! Try making this for someone you love….

And if you’re a words and pictures kind of Brave Girl, here is the photo tutorial version.

Start by gathering your ingredients.  You’ll need:

1/2 cup egg whites
1 cup sugar
1/2 tsp. vinegar
1/8 tsp. cream of tartar
1/8 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp cornstarch
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Before you begin, trace 4-inch circles onto a piece of parchment paper that is cut to the size of your baking sheet.  6 circles fit on each of our baking sheets.  You’ll want to space them out – leave about 1 inch between the circles so your meringue has enough room to grow a little in the oven.

Next, separate the eggs.  It will take about 4 egg whites to get 1/2 a cup, but measure.  When we did this, the eggs we used were small, so it took 5.  Definitely measure.

The easiest way we’ve found to separate eggs is to crack the egg, then drop it into your fingers.  Let the white fall through into a bowl and the yolk will stay intact in your hand.  Set the yolks aside to use for something else. (Make sure that not even a teeny trace of yolks gets in with the whites or the whites will not whip…everything has to be free of any kind of oil or fat….trust me on this.)

Next, whip the eggs for just a few seconds, until they’re frothy…like this:

Once the eggs are a little frothy, add all the other ingredients…the vanilla, vinegar, cream of tartar and sugar.  Then let the mixer go on high speed for about 5 minutes until the mixture is glossy and stiff.  You want to be sure that the sugar is entirely dissolved.  When you think it’s done, put a little of the meringue on your fingers and rub it between your finger and thumb.  If it feels grainy at all, it’s not done.  If it feels smooth, it’s done!  It should look like this:

The best way to form the shells…the way it turns out prettiest is to pipe them BUT you don’t have to pipe them (we’ll show you how in a minute).  If you’re piping though, you can use a piping bag with a large star tip or a ziplock bag with the end cut off.  To fill the bag with the least amount of frustration and mess, put your piping bag into a pitcher and fold it over the edge.  Then fill the bag.

Twist the piping bag until the meringue just starts to come out the tip.

You’ll find that the parchment paper might try to slide all over your cooking sheet.  The trick we use is to put a dab of meringue as glue on each of the corners.  The circles you drew on the parchment paper will be your guides as you pipe.  Be sure they are on the bottom side of the parchment paper when you ‘glue’ it down.

Then pipe little nests.  Start by making a circle that fits inside of the circles you drew…(it will grow and spread a bit in the oven).  Once you have a circle, go around the outside of the circle one more time to form a bowl…like a second story wall on the outside of the circle.

If you don’t have a piping bag or a ziplock, you can form your meringues with a spoon…like this:

If you have leftover meringue in your piping bag, don’t throw it out!  Use it to make little meringue kisses…mmmmm…

The meringues will go into a 350 degree (F) oven for 10 minutes.  Then lower the temperature to 300 degrees (F) and let them bake for 20 minutes.

When they are baked, they will look like this.  DON’T take them out of the oven yet.  Crack the oven door and let them dry out in the warm oven for 1 -2 hours before you get them out. (You want them to be completely dry and crispy…and that reminds me to tell you that you shouldn’t make these on a humid day…unless you want chewy meringues…hmmmm….come to think of it, that might be good….but I digress…)

While they’re drying out, you can get your toppings together.  This time, we used sweetened whipped cream and peaches…we’ve used all kind of fruit.  One of our favorites is berries.  Oh yum.

Add a dollop of whipped cream and fruit to the meringue…and Voila!  Pavlova!

Serve it on a pretty plate to someone you love….this is my little grandson, Jackson. He has a way of making a cook feel pretty good….


Try it and let me know how it turns out!

love, kathy

PS. True confessions: Say the shells are a total flop and they come out all wonky looking…(not that that I would ever admit that it has happened to me….) You can still turn it into a gorgeous dessert. Just crunch up the crispy meringues into big chunks and stir them into the whipped cream. Layer this in a goblet with the fruit…it will be gorgeous and delicious and everyone will think that’s how you planned it all along. (*wink*)


Thank You!! – We made you a video to celebrate!!!!! (it’s really short and really awesome! please please please watch!)

Last week we hit a huge milestone, thanks to ALL of you…..not only are we celebrating 5 years together as Brave Girls Club…but we now have 100,000 of you with us as Facebook fans!



We put together lots of ways to thank you and we hope you will watch this little video…..we love you all SO MUCH and want you to know that there are many wonderful things ahead! Next month we will be launching the most exciting thing in Brave Girl history and we are working really hard to make it FANTASTIC! So…..stay tuned, and for now, please watch this video that we made JUST FOR YOU!














Here’s to 100,000 more Brave Girls and many many many more lifetimes of Brave Girl goodness for all of us and for all of the generations to come. We love and appreciate you and we could never do this without all of us!


melody and kathy



Whatever it is….you can LEARN it!!

When I was ten years old, my friend asked me if I wanted to play on her softball team.  I thought it would be so cool to be on a team….I also remember thinking these exact thoughts:

“I haven’t ever played softball….I don’t know if I can do it….everyone else has been playing since they were 5…I’m going to look like an idiot…I don’t have all the right stuff…I don’t know all of the rules…I don’t know ANY of the rules….”

Despite my worries, my angel mother helped me get all signed up and everything worked out.  I know those worries seem silly when you’re an adult and you know know they’re coming from a 10-year-old….because you can look at that 10-year-old and say all of the adult things you know….

But have you ever had 10-year-old girl worries?  The ones that sound like this:

“What do I know?  Everyone else probably already knows everything.  And they probably all have natural talent, which is why they’re all so much better than me.  I probably couldn’t measure up.  I probably shouldn’t even try.  They’re all ahead of me anyway, I’ll never catch up.”

As if it’s some kind of contest or race.  Easier to tell that to some 10-year-old than to the aging woman in the mirror, right?  Or is it just me?

Do you know how old Julia Child was when she learned how to cook?  You know who Julia Child is, right?  She’s known all over the world…she’s famous for her cookbooks, her expertise, her passion for good food and her ability to make complicated recipes understandable.

Julia Child didn’t start cooking when she was 9, like you might think.  Or roast her first chicken at 13.  She didn’t intuitively know how to braise or saute or even chop and dice.  She learned it.

Julia Child enrolled in Le Cordon Bleu (a cooking school in Paris) in 1949.  She was born in 1912, so that would make her 37.  She was 37 when she decided she wanted to learn to cook….with all the learning still in front of her.

She went to Le Cordon Bleu for one year and…get this…FAILED her test at the end of the year.  She waited an entire year to re-take the test, which she did and this time she passed.  Thus began her very long and very successful cooking career…at 40.  (Side note: she was 36 when she decided to learn French…and enrolled in a French class.  Awesome.)

Is your mind blown?  But really….

Of course a 37-year-old lady can learn to cook, even if she never has before.

Of course a 10-year-old can learn to play softball….

And of course a 5-year-old or a 72-year-old Brave Girl can learn to make art….

….or play the piano, or grow a spectacular garden, or ride a horse, or swim the backstroke, or build a treehouse, or love somebody, or host a party, or sew a dress, or start a business, or speak in public, or write a book and all of the other millions of things there are to do in this world.

I didn’t come here to talk about Julia Child…..Brave Girls Club doesn’t even offer cooking classes (yet!)…..what I’m here to tell you is that whatever that “thing” is for you…YOU can learn it.

It’s not a mystery, it’s not impossible, it’s just something to learn.

For instance….music is a big deal in our family, and when a song seems hard or a part seems hard, one of my brothers always says, “It’s just an illusion…it’s not that hard.”  And he’s right!  Musicians perform perfectly because they’ve practiced and practiced and practiced and earned the ability to play complicated music….but every single one of them had to start at the beginning….every one of them sang a note or strummed a chord for the very first time, then just kept playing, kept singing, kept trying, hit a LOT of wrong notes and kept going before they got it.  EVERYTHING is that way!  LIFE is that way!

Brave Girl Art School started on Monday….and my kids (3 and 5) have been sooo excited to start.  We took these photos on their very first day….










Maybe it’s because I was that apprehensive 10-year-old, but it makes my heart absolutely sing to see my little ones learning how to do art.  Maybe they’ll learn earlier than I did that you don’t have to know everything from the very beginning.  You don’t have to have some innate inclination toward art or music or gardening or baseball to be able to do it well and enjoy it.  Maybe they’ll be daring and adventurous and unafraid of new things.  Maybe they’ll never say those sad words, “I am not creative” and “I can’t do that”.

Maybe what they’ll grow up saying is, “I’m gonna learn that.”

I want to know: what is something you’ve always wanted to learn?  Then what I want to know is what is your plan for learning it?  (You don’t have to learn it today, but no excuses allowed!)

And if you ever wanted to learn to paint or draw or doodle or make jewelry or sew pillows or make pretty decorations for your home or if you ever wanted to see the pure JOY on your children’s faces as they learn to do any of those things, come join us for SUMMER ART SCHOOL!!!   Let’s LEARN it!!


Thick & Chewy S’mores Bars Recipe

We LOVE summertime campfires around here. We love to spend hours in the warm evenings sitting around the fire together… laughing and singing and talking and playing. We love to roast hotdogs over the fire and OF COURSE we love s’mores. But some people don’t have a fire pit in the backyard or don’t have time to build a fire to satisfy that chocolatey-grahamy-marshmallowy craving. These quick and easy s’mores bars are the perfect solution! And they’re a whole lot better than traditional gooey, messy s’mores for bringing to summer potlucks and pool parties.



  • 4 TBS butter or coconut oil
  • 1 bag regular sized marshmallows
  • 2 1/2 sleeves graham crackers (25)
  • 1 bag milk chocolate chips
  • mini mallow bits, optional for garnish (these are the tiny, sort of crisp/crunchy ones)


  1. Grease a 9×13 pan
  2. Crush the graham crackers in a large ziploc bag into bite-sized pieces. Set aside.  You might have to crush them in two or three batches and put the pieces in a bowl as you go. You will end up with a little bit of tiny crumbs/dust… that is perfectly okay and will contribute to the wonderful chewy texture of the bars!
  3. Melt the butter or coconut oil in large sauce pan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted and well-blended.
  4. Add the crushed grahams and stir until incorporated and coated.
  5. Using a buttered spatula or waxed paper, press mixture evenly and firmly into greased  pan.
  6. In a glass bowl in the microwave or double boiler, melt the chocolate chips, stirring occasionally until smooth. Spread over the top of the bars. Sprinkle on the mallow bits if using. Chill in refrigerator until set, then cut into bars.


Hope you love these simple summer delights!



Part 2 …LIGHTER AND LIGHTER….lighter might take a while and that is okay.

Let me start by saying that this journey is most certainly helping me to feel lighter, and I am SO HAPPY that I am doing this project…but it’s not easy some days. (If you want to catch up…heres THE POST ABOUT THIS PROJECT). So… my body is doing all sorts of crazy things to deal with it….I have started some new health things with a new doctor….at the end of last week on the way to my new doc’s office…I got the worst migraine of all time………and I just cried all the way through the appointment because I told him how mad I am that I worked all of these years to get on the other side of all of this…and now I’m in the worst condition ever….he just kept saying…you are going to get better…you are…..we are going to get you all better…..

but here’s me at the doc laying down and feeling like crud…………..  reality check…

melody migraine

then I had to get weighed. I knew it was going to be not so fantastic. I knew that because I can only fit on my stretchy clothes….but when I got weighed…the news was about 10 lbs more than what I was expecting. BUT……..we gotta get real to get whole, ya know? Now I know where I am…….and I’m figuring out where I want to go…and I’m figuring out what’s gotta go in order for me to feel lighter and lighter….

Looking in the mirror at your backside is a great reality check….what happened back there melody

So…you know what?…I decided that while I am working on all of this (and the doc said my weight gain is a symptom of all of the stuff going on in my body….hormones, adrenals, etc…….) anyway…This week…I bought some clothes in the size I am now, instead of trying to squeeze into the size a was a year ago…I did not do this while cursing myself…I did this while saying…’honey, this will be so much more comfortable while you are healing….’what I decided is that while we are working on healing from the inside…and letting go of what is not working…I am going to work really hard on my skin, take really good care of it…and I am happy to say…that my skin is looking really really really good……(even on hivey days) …and my heart is doing good too………things are getting lighter and lighter…

melody radiant

I’m working in my lighter and lighter book. I love doing it so much. I definitely spend more time cutting out words than anything else. There is something about it that makes me feel so relaxed and connected to myself and connected to the rest of this universe…and to God. I have cut out thousands of words by now, I think…and so it’s really easy to find the exact right ones. Something else that has happened since I decided to take this journey is that I have had all sorts of miraculous visits from animals….(and I will blog about that on another day)….I just think that when we decide that we need help, and we ask for help….all of creation conspires together on our behalf for our healing…….that is what I am experiencing in all of nature right now…..

God poured medicine down

another wonderful thing that is happening that I have really been begging for is for my words to come back…to be able to write as freely and fluently and soulfully as I used to be able to….that gift has been gone for a few years….and I can feel it coming back……….probably because I am working on letting go of whatever was sitting on top of it, squishing it with all of it’s weight…..lighter and lighter is helping me to write….
able to writeWhen I started to work on my book this week…again I pulled out some photos and then just let the words speak to me. So many times what comes is a yearning that is coming straight from my soul….and I am noticing that my soul is begging and begging that I can be home, that I do not have to go out again into a ‘warzone’…that I can just be here…….and by home, I mean me and Marq and our kids…..and a life…..just please let me stay in this…

I have to ask

Heaven often answers me with these words. Some of the things that I pasted down are too personal and sacred to share here…..but if you and I are ever sitting knee to knee…I will show you my whole book…. to show upAnother theme that keeps coming back, is that the woman I was in my last decade…well, she is needing to be heard. I find photos from that time…when I was holding the whole world together with a smile on my face while everything behind closed doors was falling apart…..and that girl I was…that woman….she needs to be honored for what she did. She needs to be validated for what she experienced. She needs to be congratulated for what she survived……..she needs to be allowed to talk about what it was like for her……, whenever a photo shows up from that time, lots of words get pasted down……..and I cry a lot…and then I feel better. I love that girl, that woman…..she was very brave.
  melody on escalator   bottom of escalator page

and then my soul speaks of what happened after…and it helps things make sense for me…..

a better life

you know…something wonderful that is happening is the mercy I feel. The mercy I feel for myself. The compassion I feel….and I feel like it is flowing down straight from heaven and from all around me….like I am so supported…and it is asking me to open my hands to it…that it is meant for me…and I am learning to really trust that, and open my hands to it….and know that it is mine to claim…..and that I am not taking it away from anyone else when I claim what is mine already….

-open up and let the good stuff in

When we are weighted down by things that do not belong to us, or with us anymore…..we can not allow the good stuff in…….I know I am getting lighter and lighter because every day more good stuff is coming into my life…and I actually have room for it….like I said, I am doing Brave Girl Art School this summer (I hope you are joining us) and I have even had time to do art with some of the littles in my life…….this is worth it…..

jackson and lydia art

and this is worth it because I have a grandson now……I am his Mimi….I want to be all the way here for him. I want to teach him how to stand in his own power and how to let go of things that are not his to carry…..I want to love him with the best love I have, not the stuff that is left over after I feed all of my fears and old stories….there will be no more feeding the fears……..everything good I have is for these precious people in my life……

mimi and leo

It is strange to be 42, almost 43 years old and learning so many things for the first time. I wish I would have understood that I am allowed to decide what I carry and what I do not….I am allowed to forgive and forgive and forgive and that does not make me weak…I am allowed to take care of myself…I am allowed to cry and cry and cry about things that others might not understand…I am allowed to be awesome and be happy and have HUUUUGE big dreams. I am allowed to do this as many times as I want to for the rest of my life……and the big dreams part has only just begun….- love is meant for you too   -just do the next thing

Finally…… and Marq…Marq and me. I can not type that without tears falling. This is the part that is the most sacred and the most private, it is the part that still has the most unresolved pain. I will share what I can but this part of my book is really just for me…and maybe someday for him. I am still grieving over his loss of memory of things that I wanted for us to be able to heal from together. I am still angry that he doesn’t even know what a warrior I was and how strong and young and beautiful and amazing I was while I was fighting those battles…I am angry that now that he is back….I am middle aged, tired and wounded. I wanted him to at least have that picture of me as a brave beautiful warrior woman from 10 years ago…..and I am grieving those years we lost. I am angry……and I am letting myself be angry….because that is what it takes to heal. And…….even though we can’t do it together like I thought we would be able to….we can do things in a different way. He told me that he will help me in any way he can…..

……and I told him I’m sorry I’m so beat up right now………….

toe to toe

Finally…something that is going in my book is the lyrics from a song that I used to have on repeat when Marq was gone…..I decided I would wait as long as it took for him to come back. I decided that even if it was in a life after this one…….in heaven……..I decided I would wait. And I did. And he waits patiently for me too. And I am waiting to come back into myself more and more each day…….he was worth waiting for and I am worth waiting for too. I might get my old health back…my old body back…my old energy back……I might not. But I will wait for myself whatever it is. Marq will wait for me………just like I waited for him. I will wait for God to do what He is doing……. I will wait. You are worth waiting for too, you know…………I hope you will tell yourself that you will wait for YOU.

-I will wait for you


Here’s the song….it’s worth a listen, too…..

Till Kingdom Come by Coldplay

One, two

Steal my heart and hold my tongue

I feel my time, my time has come

Let me in, unlock the door

I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning

The drummer begins to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my hand inside your hands

I need someone who understands

I need someone, someone who hears

For you I’ve waited all these years

For you, I’d wait ’till kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say, you’ll come and set me free

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood

In your fire and in your flood

I hear you laugh, I heard you sing

I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning

The drummers begin to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait ’till kingdom come

Until my days, my days are done

Say, you’ll come and set me free

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

me n marq on grass BW

lighter and lighter and lighter….and lighter.


-this might take a while